Leaving Him Breathless: What Men Like in Oral Sex

Oral sex is exactly that — using your mouth, including your lips, tongue, and teeth, to give your partner sexual satisfaction.

Not too long ago, many people considered oral sex a perversion, while today more and more people are engaging in oral sex. Many young people even consider it an intermediary step to sex, rather than the real thing.

Oral sex performed on a man is called fellatio. (It doesn’t matter whether a man or woman is performing this act on the man.) This licking and sucking of a man’s penis can be used as a precursor to intercourse (to arouse a man so he gets an erection), or it can continue until he has an orgasm.

Though a common word for an erection is a hard-on, and certainly an erect penis is harder than a flaccid one, you must remember that a penis is not actually hard, but is made of flesh and blood, and so it can be damaged. If a penis is handled too roughly, the man could develop what is called Peyronie’s disease, which means that a kink may develop, or even several kinks. So anyone performing fellatio has a duty to be relatively gentle.

Not sure what to do? Try this basic approach and improvise as needed (I suggest a few fun techniques to try along the way):

1. Both partners should be in comfortable positions.

You may have seen pictures of a woman on her knees while the man stands above her, and this position has its advantages, as I explain below. But if a woman is uncomfortable in this position and this is a way of the man proving his domination, then that’s not a good idea. However if she’s kneeling on a pillow, this position can work comfortably for both partners.

2. The partner giving oral sex starts by gently fondling the man’s penis with his or her hands.

Some men will have an erection just from the expectation of receiving oral sex, while others, particularly older men, use oral sex as a means of obtaining an erection. In the latter cases, oral sex may be thought of as foreplay to intercourse.

3. After the man starts to get an erection, lick the penis or place it in your mouth.

While the tongue is certainly an important part of the process, you can lightly nibble the penis with your teeth, give light kisses with your lips, or suck the penis with your mouth. But please, no biting.

The movie Deep Throat put pressure on partners to swallow the man’s entire penis while not gagging. Of course in the movie, the penis was particularly large, but real life is not the movies, and no one should feel pressured into trying to copy what they see on-screen. Because the most sensitive part of a man’s penis is the head of the penis, deep throating his penis isn’t going to give him much more pleasure and is really more an act of humiliation than anything else. I’m not saying that couples shouldn’t do this if both partners are willing to try, but one’s abilities to perform fellatio don’t depend on being able to perform circus tricks.

4. Stimulate the underside of the head of the penis, the place where he has the most sensitivity.

If you’re facing the man, as you are when on your knees while he is standing, then your tongue will be in the right place to do this. If you’re upside down, such as in the 69 position, you may want to use your fingers to add arousal to that area.

5. Continue using your hands to touch the penis, stroke the shaft, and gently fondle the testicles.

Don’t be reserved about exploring beyond the head of the penis while performing oral sex. These touches are not only permitted but encouraged.

Be careful when it comes to his testicles because they are sensitive. Too much pressure causes him pain, which puts a quick end to these activities. If the man enjoys it, you can also insert a finger into his rectum.

6. If oral sex is not being used as foreplay, the man is going to ejaculate as a result of oral sex.

There’s no harm if he ejaculates in your mouth, but it’s also not necessary. If you don’t want that to happen, the man should tell you that he is about to ejaculate and you can use your hands to help him reach his climax.

Communication is key to doing a good job, as it is with any sexual position. You can’t guess what feels best to your partner. You have to ask him, and he has to be able to articulate his needs.

If you’re not ready to perform oral sex on your partner yet, but you think it’s something that you want to try, you can simulate the real thing by practicing on an ice cream cone. By licking the ice cream sensuously you’ll develop a good understanding of what you should do when the flavor goes from vanilla to male appendage.

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What Women Like in Oral Sex

Oral sex performed on a woman is called cunnilingus, though not by many people cause the average person prefers terms that are easier to pronounce. Like fellatio, oral sex can be done as part of foreplay, or it can be done to bring a woman to climax. If you use oral sex as foreplay, both partners must be in synch with regards to where the woman is on the orgasmic scale. The woman has to let her partner know when she is very close to having an orgasm. When she gives him the signal, he should stop oral sex and begin intercourse.

As I’ve said, women require direct stimulation to their clitoris to have an orgasm, and the tongue and lips offer an excellent means of doing just that, better than fingers, which can be rough. In fact, some women can only have an orgasm from oral sex. Here’s what to do:

1. Both partners should be in a comfortable position.

Many women are most comfortable lying on their backs with their partner kneeling or lying in between their legs so he can easily put his head between her thighs.

2. The partner giving oral sex should begin by rubbing the woman’s legs, thighs, and vulva with his or her hands.

These caresses tell your partner’s body that some really amazing stuff is about to happen, so she should begin getting aroused. As a result of her excitement, she should start producing lubricant, which helps prevent irritation to the delicate clitoris and vagina. But your saliva is also a lubricant.

3. Spread the lips of the vulva and find the clitoris. Gently begin licking.

The tongue can be used in many different ways, from short rapid thrusts to long, slow licks. The tongue can be thrust into the vagina as well as used all around its edge.

Although the human tongue is nowhere as rough as a cat’s, after a few minutes of performing oral sex, your tongue may become dry and will seem much rougher to the very sensitive clitoris. When performing oral sex, make sure that your tongue is well coated with saliva.

Between the saliva and a woman’s natural lubrication, which should be flowing if she’s very aroused, quite a puddle can form under her after a long session of oral sex. Rather than worry about it, I suggest placing a towel underneath her.

4. Try sucking the area around the clitoris or some light nibbling (but teeth shouldn’t play a large role in performing oral sex on a woman).A sudden puff of air may be pleasurable, too.

The seat of a woman’s orgasm is her clitoris, but the clitoris can sometimes become overstimulated so that a woman won’t want it to be touched directly. You need to be mindful of that if she complains, and either lessen the strength of the stimulation or stop any direct simulation altogether.

5. Ask her what she likes.

Perhaps even more so than with men, communication is the key to doing,a good job at oral sex on a woman. A woman’s ability to orgasm is more delicate than a man’s, and she may require very specific types of stimulation in order to have an orgasm. So you have to pay careful attention to her directions, which may be verbalized, with commands such as “harder” or “softer,” or done by moving your head to a certain part of her anatomy.

6. Take a short break if your mouth and tongue become tired.

Try using your nose as a stimulator while the other muscles get a chance to relax. Or reach up and stimulate her breasts for a little while. Many women enjoy having a finger or two inserted into their vagina during oral sex, but some may find it too distracting. The same is true with anal stimulation.

7. Adjust your stimulation as she approaches orgasm.

Some women, as they’re near orgasm, find that their clitoris becomes extra sensitive. You may assume that more stimulation should be pro- vided to her clitoris as she reaches this point, but sometimes just the opposite is true, and only the area around the clitoris should be licked. Make sure that you don’t get so lost in the heat of the moment that you stop communicating.

You may have heard rumors about the danger of blowing into the vagina during oral sex. This danger only comes into play if the woman is very pregnant. When everything is distended down there, it becomes technically possible to blow an air bubble through the wall of a vein or artery that has been stretched superthin, which could be deadly. I don’t know whether this has ever happened, but some doctors warn pregnant women about this, and so I’m passing it on, mostly so that all of you performing oral sex on nonpregnant women don’t have to worry about it.

A man will usually have an erection when he begins giving oral sex to a woman, but if the process stretches out a bit, there’s a good chance that he will lose his erection. That’s only natural because he’s concentrating on her pleasure, not his. Some men, who worry that an lost erection won’t return, may want to engage in intercourse the moment they feel their penis start to soften. But if the man hasn’t ejaculated, in most cases with a few tender ministrations from his partner later on, his erection should come back, so men don’t need to react to a shrinking penis.

Dealing with Some Delicate Details

If even after reading everything in this article, you’re still hesitant about trying oral sex, I can guess why. I address some common concerns in the following sections.

Tidying up down there

More people might engage in oral sex if the organs involved weren’t also the organs from which people urinate. Some people don’t give that fact a second thought and dive right in, so to speak, while others think about this dual role and that gives them the heebie-jeebies, even though urine is actually more germ free than saliva.

My advice to people who worry about cleanliness is to begin oral sex in the bathroom. Oral sex doesn’t have to begin there, but a thorough cleaning ofthe genitals should take place. I’ve found, in advising patients, that many who object to oral sex discover that their objection goes down the drain after they’ve thoroughly washed the potentially offending sex organ. The above advice may be particularly important when the man hasn’t been circumcised. A buildup under the foreskin, called smegma, can develop, which definitely isn’t sexy. All uncircumcised men need to be careful when cleaning their penis to make sure that they do a good job under the foreskin, but this attention to cleanliness is especially important to any man expecting his partner to give him oral sex. (Women should also clean under their clitoral hood because a smegma-like substance can also collect there.)

Whether it’s because women are having more oral sex or because women are just wearing smaller and smaller bikinis, it’s become more common for women to shave or wax their pubic hair. Most men who perform oral sex on their partner probably appreciate this.

Of course, men with beards or mustaches may cause the sensitive area around a woman’s genitals to become chafed while performing oral sex. Any man with facial hair, or even just stubble, should be careful not to hurt his partner.

To swallow or not to swallow

Some women are concerned about getting the ejaculate in their mouth. Now, a few drops of Cowper’s fluid will be secreted at the head of the erect male penis, but most women worry about the actual quantity of ejaculate that is propelled from the penis upon orgasm. Nothing in a man’s ejaculate is harmful (assuming that he is disease free), and to anyone who complains about the calories, I say “Enough!” But you don’t need an excuse to want to avoid this.

If you really want to avoid coming in contact with ejaculate, try the following:

Ask your partner to let you know when he is close to having his orgasm. This is the best way to avoid the ejaculate. When he lets you know his orgasm is imminent, you can move your mouth out of range while continuing to help him climax with your hands and fingers.

Watch for the signs of impending orgasm. A man’s erection strengthens when he is near orgasm and his scrotum will tighten up, pushing his testicles up against his body. When you notice this, duck out of the way. Keep a towel or tissue close by. If your partner does ejaculate into your mouth, you can easily spit it out without swallowing it.

Many people ask me whether they can do anything to change the taste of their or their partner’s semen. Although anecdotal evidence indicates that what you eat plays a part in what your ejaculate tastes like, I haven’t seen any scientific research that proves that. On the other hand, nothing is stopping you from doing your own research. Not only might it be educational, but it could also be a lot of fun. If a partner really objects to the taste but wants to proceed, I suggest having a breath mint handy so she can quickly change the taste in her mouth.

The porn industry has introduced a new facet to oral sex: the facial, where the man ejaculates onto his partner’s face. In my opinion, this is humiliating and not sexy. Each individual must set his or her limits, but I wouldn’t want the average person contemplating oral sex to think that a facial is a necessary part of the act.

But I’m having my period

Most men avoid performing oral sex on a woman who is menstruating, but the fact is that nothing dangerous is present in menstrual blood (unless she has an STD). If you and your partner want to engage in oral sex at that time of the month, you have no reason not to go ahead (pun intended!).

Avoiding lockjaw, lip languor, tongue tiredness

Oral sex may be becoming part of the norm, but it’s still not entirely a “normal” activity because the mouth must engage in vigorous movements for a length of time that it’s not often called on to do. In other words, oral sex can be tiring.

Most men don’t require extended oral sex, though some do, especially as they get older. But some women require extended stimulation in order to have an orgasm. Although they can’t do anything about that, women must not lose focus of their partner’s well-being. Their partner will need a break after a while because lengthy tongue and lip action can become uncomfortable, if not painful. I understand that a woman who is close to having an orgasm won’t want to stop receiving stimulation, so she may want to give her partner a break before she reaches that point. The couple should talk about her needs and how to best arrive at the destination they both seek.

Simplifying sexual slang

Because I’m always telling you not to be boring, I thought I’d help you out by including some other phrases you can use when talking about the activities described in this article.

Cunnilingus: canyon yodeling, carpet munching, dining at the Y, eating hair pie, egg McMuff, going down, going way down south in Dixie, making mouth music, muff diving, scarfing down, sipping at the fuzzy cup, sitting on one’s face.

Fellatio: blowing, deep throating, frenching, getting a facial, giving head, giving lip service, hoovering, putting lipstick on one’s dipstick, señoreata, soiling one’s knees, sucking off, talking into the mike, worshipping at the altar.

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Assuming the Position in Oral Sex

I haven’t given you many specifics about the positions that you can use for oral sex. Certainly there is no right or wrong position. One partner can be seated or standing and the other on his or her knees, or the recipient can lie on his back while his or her partner leans in over the genitals. Just choose whatever is most comfortable. If the woman kneels down and straddles her partner’s head while he is lying on his back, she will gain some control over how much stimulation she is getting because this position allows her to pull back or push forward. To make sure that her partner doesn’t have to strain his neck, he should place as many pillows as necessary under his head until he can reach her clitoris without straining.

Although you’re free to name any position you may use during oral sex, one position already has a name of its own — 69, which refers to partners performing and receiving oral sex at the same time. The name comes from the shape of the two bodies as they lie on top of and upside down to one another.

It really doesn’t matter which partner is on top, but the man usually gets on his hands and knees because he is likely to have to strain his neck more if he is on the bottom. (Although, as I said above, a pillow under his head can help.) The 69 position may be most comfortable for both partners if done while lying on their sides.

Oral sex, especially fellatio, offers a couple the opportunity to give orgasms without removing any clothing. All a man has to do is stick his penis outside of his zipper and his partner can perform oral sex. This allows couples to perform a sexual act in places not normally thought of as appropriate, such as hallways and park benches. Although I know this goes on, I urge you to exercise some caution. You may think that no one can see you and be very, very wrong. So if you give in to this temptation, do it cautiously.

And although I know the thought of giving a man an orgasm while driving in a car may be tempting, please don’t ever do anything as distracting as that while in a moving vehicle.

Addressing the Safety Issue
Many people have the erroneous notion that oral sex is completely safe because no one ever became pregnant through oral sex. But oral sex is not entirely safe when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases, although oral sex is safer than intercourse or anal sex in terms of transmitting germs and viruses. I offer more information on STDs, but here I want you to know that diseases can be transmitted orally. With more and more people engaging in oral sex, the transmission of disease through oral sex is rising, so much so that now doctors are finding cases of genital herpes that were caused by the virus for oral herpes, something that had not been noted before.

A partner performing fellatio can protect herself or himself by making sure that a condom is placed on her or his partner’s penis. But when performing oral sex on a woman, preventing the transmission of disease is much more difficult. Some people recommend using dental dams, which are small squares of latex, or a sheet of plastic wrap held over the woman’s vagina during oral sex. But the odds of keeping the dental dam in place, so no bodily fluids are exchanged during passionate sex, seem pretty remote. And plastic wrap, which is so thin, seems likely to break, although some brands are stronger than others. Very thin underwear (you can even get an edible variety that comes in flavors) can also act as a barrier.

Although it’s tempting to say that using either dental dam or plastic wrap is better than nothing, I think that would be an error. If you think you’re protected when you’re not, you’re much more likely to do something that you shouldn’t. So the only way to make sure that you won’t get a disease when performing cunnilingus is to only do it with a partner who has been tested for STDs (and given a negative result). I could add “or who is a virgin,” except that so many teens who consider themselves virgins have had oral sex and may have already gotten an STD. Virginity these days is not necessarily a form of protection.

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