Men's Health & Tips: April 2009

Skin Care Tips: Natural Skin care 4 Natural Hair Loss Remedy

There are many products on the market that claim to help regrow hair but for one reason or another, you may not want to deal with having to take pills or deal with surgical treatments. Natural hair loss treatments may be the answer you are looking for. Going with natural treatments doesn't have the risks that can be involved with pills or surgery.

Eating a healthy diet is one natural treatment that can be used right away. Certain vitamins and minerals actually help to promote healthy hair growth such as B-vitamins, iron, Vitamin E, zinc, and many more. You can get your daily recommended allowance from healthy foods (fruits, vegetables, lean meats) as well as a multivitamin supplement.

Herbal remedies and nutritional supplements are also an option for natural hair loss treatments. Flaxseed oil is known to improve hair texture and keep hair from drying out. Folic acid and silica may help to maintain the thickness and color of hair.Essential oils are also known to help prevent hair loss and actually regrow hair. Essential oils of thyme, rosemary, lavendar, cedarwood, and jojoba oil are some examples that can be combined and applied to the scalp. The oils are massaged into the scalp for 3 to 5 minutes. They should not be consumed but only used externally.

Traditional Chinese medicine is another option. You can visit a Chinese medicine shop and inquire about hair tonics or other tonics that may help with hair growth.As you can see, you have several options for natural hair loss treatments. They are relatively safe to try and can be done right away to prevent anymore hair loss and increase hair growth.Hair loss can occur in men and women for any reason and at any time. Most of the time there is no way to figure out what is exactly causing hair loss. Many times it is hereditary or caused by an unhealthy lifestyle. Whatever the reason, there are ways to prevent hair loss and get your hair growing again.
The following tips will provide some simple tips that you can begin using to help prevent further hair loss and promote healthy hair growth once a gain. The best part is you can implement these tips right away.

Get Your Vitamins - It's crucial to maintain a healthy lifestyle but most of all, it's important to get your daily recommended allowance of vitamins and minerals.

Avoid Harsh Chemicals - While you may be tempted to color your hair or use chemicals to curl or straighten it, try to avoid it as much as possible. Harsh chemicals damage hair and cause breakage.

Avoid Heating Tools - Hair dryers, curling irons, flat irons, and hot combs can all cause hair breakage from overheating the hair. Try not to use these tools much if at all.

Exercise Regularly - Exercise stimulates circulation which in turn stimulates your scalp. Scalp stimulation can help promote hair growth.

Avoid Stress - Stress can play a role in hair loss among other health problems so it's important to avoid it as much as possible.

You can prevent hair loss and promote hair growth by keeping the tips above in mind and by maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

If you have found the loss of your hair to be something you just can't seem to control, then you may want to consider how to stop hair loss naturally.

It can be one of the most rewarding things you can do for your hair, as many hair loss products on the market often are way too expensive and lead to side effects. No one wants to have to pay a ton of money or risk their health right?

So one of the things that I've found that must be done in order to see added hair growth naturally is by attacking one of the main root causes of thinning hair. This root cause is due to a hormone called dihydrotestosterone , or DHT for short.

DHT comes about from a loss of estrogen in women and a loss of testosterone in men. It will bind to your hair follicle cells and eventually weaken them till they no longer are able to produce more hair for you. Instead of relying on those products that you know are a waste of time and money, one way to reduce DHT in the scalp is by taking herbs.

Two great ones that have been found to reduce DHT and treat hair loss are saw palmetto and green tea. Drinking four cups of green tea daily has scientifically been proven to cut DHT in the body.

Saw palmetto when taken as part of your daily supplement routine produces some amazing effects in blocking the formation of this hormone. Both herbs provide a very fast solution to those who are losing their hair.

There's a dirty little hidden secret that 90% of those losing hair have no idea exists.

Osteoporosis

What is it?

Osteoporosis means ‘porous bones’. Inside the thick outer shell, bones are like a honeycomb. Osteoporosis occurs when the holes in the honeycomb get too big and bones can break.

What are the symptoms?

A broken bone after a minor bump or fall is the most obvious sign of osteoporosis. Other warning signs include height loss and curvature of the spine.

What's the risk?

It can effect people of all ages but although it’s not an inevitable result of ageing, it does become more common as you get older and affects 1 in 5 men over 50.

What causes it?

Genetic factors are very important – some 80% of the risk is hereditary.

It may be a side-effect of another disease such as hyperthyroidism (an over-active thyroid gland), hyperparathyroidism (too much of the parathyroid hormone) or coeliac disease or Crohn’s disease or other medical conditions which affect the absorption of nutrients from food.

Other factors include low levels of testosterone, drug side-effects (particularly from corticosteroids) and alcohol.

How can I prevent it?

- Keeping up calcium intake in the diet (best done through a balanced diet that includes low-fat milk, cheese and yoghurt, leafy green veg, fish bones and dried fruit which are all good sources of calcium rather than supplements)

- Keeping up vitamin D levels – vitamin D helps the body absorb calcium and is most easily found in the natural sunlight (but don’t get sun-burned),

- Avoiding smoking

- Taking plenty of exercise – bone is living tissue and needs weight-bearing exercise to maintain its strength. This doesn’t mean you need to lift weights – your own body weight will do so walk. jog, dance etc. Check out our online gym.

Should I see a doctor?

If you have any of the symptoms, risk conditions or a family history, it is worth seeing your GP.

What are the main treatments?

The main treatment are drugs called bisphosphonates, one of which (alendronate) is licensed for men. Calcitonin, which comes as a nasal spray or an injection, may also be prescribed for pain relief.

Testosterone replacement therapy is possible for men in which low testosterone levels are the cause of their osteoporosis.

Supplements of calcium and vitamin D might also be recommended if you have diagnosis of osteoporosis

Who else can help?

National Osteoporosis Society

Camerton, Bath BA2 0PJ

tel: 01761 471771

fax: 01761 471104

helpline: 0845 450 0230 (Monday to Friday 10am to 3pm)

website: www.nos.org.uk

e-mail: info@nos.org.uk

Hair Loss

Most men don't need to be told – it's the loss of hair resulting in decreasing coverage of the scalp.

What are the main symptoms?

Male pattern baldness (also known as genetic hair loss or alopecia androgenetica) is the most common form of hair loss in men. It usually develops very gradually, typically involving the appearance of a bald spot on the crown of the scalp accompanied by thinning at the temples. Although this problem can strike any man at any time, many first become aware of it as they approach their thirties.

What's the risk?

· Two-thirds of all men will eventually be affected by male pattern baldness – in the UK, this means that 7.4 million men are losing their hair at any one time.

· There are racial differences, however, in the incidence of male pattern baldness. The highest rates are found among Caucasians, followed by Afro-Caribbeans. Chinese and Japanese men have the lowest rates. For some unknown reason, this form of hair loss is does not occur among Native Americans.

· Male pattern baldness runs in the family. If your grandfather, father or brothers went bald early, the chances are that you will too. The strongest influence is on the mother's side: if your maternal grandfather went bald, that's probably a better indicator that you will too than if your father's father lost his hair.

What causes it?

There is only a tiny grain of truth in the myth that bald men are more virile because they have more of the male sex hormone testosterone.

This idea probably grew from the observation that eunuchs never became bald and, having being castrated, they didn't, of course, produce very much testosterone.

Yes, testosterone is involved in male pattern baldness, but its relationship with hair loss is complicated and not completely understood. Testosterone is naturally converted in the body to a related sex hormone, dihydrotestosterone (DHT). This stimulates the growth of facial and body hair, as well as acting on the prostate gland. There is good evidence that male pattern baldness results from an over-sensitivity of scalp hair follicles to DHT, rather than raised levels of either sex hormone in the blood.

How can I prevent it?

You cannot prevent male pattern baldness, although there may be ways of slowing down the process or disguising the problem.

Should I see a doctor?

· To get advice and treatment for hair loss, you should always start with either your GP or a professionally qualified trichologist.

· Until very recently, male pattern balding was seen as a natural process and you may find your doctor to be neither sympathetic nor helpful if you consult him/her about it. But things may be changing. An increasing number of doctors realise that hair loss can have psychological consequences that significantly diminish quality of life, especially for younger men, and they may be more willing to take the problem seriously.

If you are lucky enough to have an enlightened GP, by all means seek their advice – at the very least, you'll get a referral to a reliable trichologist (although you'll probably have to pay for any treatment you receive).

A trichologist, by the way, is a hair specialist whose training covers both the cosmetic and the medical aspects of the subject. Some trichologists are also trained hairdressers, but they are not usually medically qualified. The Institute of Trichologists keeps a register of properly qualified people: look for the letters AIT (Associate), MIT (Member) or FIT (Fellow) after their name.

Other types of hair loss, such as alopecia areata, are taken seriously as medical conditions and you should seek your GP's advice as you would for any other medical problem.

What are the main treatments?

There is no cure for male pattern baldness, but there are both drug and surgical treatments available which may lead to some improvements.

Minoxidil (sold as Regaine)

· This is the only topical treatment (one that you rub into the skin) which is actually licensed for the treatment of male pattern baldness in the UK. It was originally developed (in tablet form) as a drug for high blood pressure. Doctors noticed that people on minoxidil sometimes grew new hair, so the drug was reformulated for this purpose.

· Regaine comes as 2% or 5% lotions which you rub, daily, into your scalp. It is best to start with the 2% lotion and after three months, if you have not seen significant growth of hair, upgrade to the 5% lotion. In the UK, Reagine is a Pharmacy Only medicine, which means you can obtain it from a pharmacy without a prescription, but only when a pharmacist is on the premises. The pharmacist should check that Regaine is appropriate for you before selling it (for instance, you shouldn't use it without medical supervision if you have high blood pressure).

· Regaine cannot work miracles. About one-third of men using it get good hair growth on the bald patches, one-third get a fine, downy regrowth, while the rest will get little or no response. The majority of men using it find that at least they don't lose much more hair – but as soon as you stop using it, hair loss resumes its course.

· Expect to wait up to four months before you get any response from Regaine (be patient), but if nothing happens after, say, a year, you may as well give it up. Incidentally, never pay large sums of money to a private trichologist or over the internet for Regaine – the usual price is around £30 for a month's supply.

Finesteride (marketed as Propecia)

· This is a treatment for male pattern baldness which is licenced in the UK but only on private prescription, not on the NHS. It is one of a class of drugs called 5-alpha-reductase inhibitors. Since 5-alpha-reductase is the enzyme which causes the conversion of testosterone into DHT, inhibiting this with finesteride should, in theory, stop hair loss. In fact, finesteride was originally developed for the treatment of benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH), a condition in which the prostate gland becomes enlarged through the action of DHT.

· Although there have been no clinical studies directly comparing low dose finesteride and Regaine, the data suggests that the two products may be similarly effective as a treatment for hair loss. Finesteride can lead to side effects in up to 2% of users such as impotence, reduced sex drive and reduced semen volume. (These side-effects are reversible when the treatment stops.)

· Propecia can be obtained from your GP or dermatologist on private prescription.

Anti-androgen therapy

· Another way of tackling male pattern baldness is to directly block the action of DHT using a variety of hormonal drugs. Some of these are similar to oral contraceptives and female hormone replacement therapy. They should only be applied under the supervision of an endocrinologist (hormone specialist) or a dermatologist with expertise in hormone therapy.

Hair transplant surgery

· Surgery offers the possibility of a longer-term solution to your hair loss problem. But it doesn't come cheap and it can be hard to find a skilled and reputable surgeon. Put simply, hair surgery involves rearranging your scalp skin so as to minimise the bald areas and maximise those where hair is still growing.

· In the UK most hair surgeons use grafts, which involves transferring skin from the hair-bearing area at the back of the head to the bald parts at the front. Hair grafts work because the section of skin transferred retains its own characteristics (i.e. hair grows) rather than acquiring those of the place it is transferred to (where hair does not grow).

· The most natural results come from transferring plugs of skin bearing 3–6 hairs (minigrafts) or just one hair (micrografts). The surgeon makes tiny slits or pinholes in the recipient area into which the plugs are inserted. A new hairline can be built up by using rows of micrografts at the front and minigrafts a few rows further back.

· When considering surgery, you must remember that your hair loss could well continue around the reconstructed areas. This may look unsightly unless you're prepared to invest in further surgery in a few years time.

· Hair surgery usually involves considerable financial investment and you are also involving yourself in a medical procedure. So choose your surgeon carefully, preferably via personal recommendation or through the Institute of Trichologists. He or she should carry one or more of the following qualifications:

1. FRCS (Fellow of the Royal College of Surgeons)

2. BAAPS (British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons)

3. BACS (British Association of Cosmetic Surgeons)

Remember, a good hair surgeon probably doesn't need to advertise.

Other treatments

As far as other treatments are concerned, be very wary. There are many bogus operators out there who are only too keen to exploit people with hair loss.

How can I help myself?

Making changes in your hair care routine and overall lifestyle may help minimise the appearance of hair loss.

· Treat your remaining hair with a bit more respect. Most people are too rough with their hair. It's better to use a comb, not a brush, and to avoid tightly fitting caps or hats. Hair is more fragile when it's wet, so handle it with care.

· Some shampoos and other hair cosmetics can make your hair look thicker and fuller. Ask your hairdresser for advice.

· Short hair minimises the contrast between balding and non-balding areas. Long hair has the reverse effect and is very ageing. It shouldn't need saying, but combing hair over a bald spot is not a good idea.

· Include sufficient protein in your diet, especially if you are vegan or vegetarian (hair loss sometimes starts when people give up meat). Ensure that you do not become anaemic by eating plenty of iron-rich foods like liver, eggs and green vegetables.

What's the outlook?

There's no cure for male pattern baldness, although other forms of male hair loss are often reversible.

Exploring the Mythology of Masturbation

For any of you who haven’t heard the myth about hairy palms, let me explain. People have long frowned upon masturbation (stimulating your genitals until you have an orgasm), and in ancient times viable reasons existed for this attitude, besides the fact that no one had yet invented Vaseline.

If people, particularly men, masturbated, then they wouldn’t have sex with women as often. And, in the early days of mankind, when infant mortality was high and life expectancy low, making babies was important for the survival of the species.

The elders of the tribes disapproved of masturbation because they believed that each man was born with only a certain amount of sperm, and if he wasted that sperm masturbating, he’d have none left to impregnate a woman. (I wonder what their attitude would have been if they’d knownthat a man can make 50,000 sperm a minute. Let the good times roll?)

The story of Onan

The early Jews certainly were against the spilling of seed (an old-fashioned term for mas- turbating). You can read about their concern in the story of Onan in Genesis in the Bible, out of which came the word onanism as a synonym for masturbation. Actually, Biblical scholars now believe that, rather than masturbating, Onan practiced coitus interruptus (withdrawing before ejaculation) so he wouldn’t impregnate his brother’s widow, as customs and religious law dictate he do. If Onan had known what everyone who’s reading this book knows about the sperm in pre-ejaculatory fluid, he would have stuck to the original version and masturbated instead.

Over the years, society never completely lifted this ban on masturbation. During the Victorian era in England, for example, the crusade against masturbation grew to a fever pitch; the list of ills that people claimed masturbation caused included insanity, epilepsy, headaches, nosebleeds, asthma, heart murmurs, rashes, and odors.

Worse than the supposed symptoms of the Victorian era were the methods that parents used to try to curb their children’s masturbatory activities. These included restraints of all kinds and medical procedures such as circumcision, castration (removal of the testes), and clitoridectomy (removal of the clitoris) — a terrible practice that is still widely used throughout Africa and performed on millions of women, not only to curb masturbation, but all sexual pleasure.

But, whether cultural or religious beliefs caused the ban on masturbation, the elders knew (from their own experience, no doubt) that young boys and girls don’t always listen to their elders (surprise, surprise). Therefore, they invented some myths about masturbation that would have the persuasive powers that laws wouldn’t.

Many of the myths against what people labeled “self-abuse” were based on the notion that the consequences of masturbating included a physical signthat revealed to the world that the individual was a masturbator. This threat of public exposure was supposed to coerce potential “self-abusers” to keep their hands away from their genitals. Among these scare tactics was the mythof the hairy palm, but, because the possibility of having to comb your palm every morning wasn’t always scary enough, the elders also threw in things such as going blind or insane.

Neither the bans nor the myths have stopped in the new millennium. Many religions forbid masturbation, and the ad agency for an acne treatment got into the picture and suggested that masturbation causes pimples. (“Oh no, a zit, now everyone at school will know why I close the door in my room!”) All these myths are, of course, nonsense.

Avoiding Too Much of a Good Thing

Okay, so how much masturbation is too much? People often ask me that question, but I can’t answer it directly. You see, you really have to turn this question around to get the right answer. In other words, if you live a satisfying life, if you have friends, do well at work or in school, are in a loving partnership with someone, and you’re both satisfied with your sex life together, then how often you masturbate really doesn’t matter. On the other hand, if you’re lonely and out of sorts, and you rely on masturbation to make yourself feel better instead of going about the business of making your life work the way you want it to, then you may be masturbating too much, no matter how rarely you actually do masturbate.

Masturbation is a good form of sexual release, but sometimes you need that sexual tension to get you going, to give you the incentive to find a partner, seek out new friends, look for a new job, or whatever. So, if you need to get your life in order and do masturbate a lot, I suggest you cut down. You don’t have to stop altogether, but if you can reduce the number of times you do it, you may find that you can begin to add some other positive aspects to your life.

What you’re looking for is a happy medium. If you’re single and actively seeking a partner, then masturbating to keep yourself from feeling sexually frustrated is fine. Just don’t do it so much that you wind up being more attached to your genitals than to the world outside. And, of course, masturbation is a lot safer than a one-night stand in terms of protecting you from catching a sexually transmitted disease.

If your partner is satisfied with your sex life, and you would like more orgasms than the two of you have together, then masturbating when themood strikes you is okay. But make an effort to see if your partner would be willing to engage in sex with you more often. Don’t be lazy and rely on masturbation to satisfy all your sexual needs because a sexless relationship is not fulfilling and will likely not last very long.

Masturbation Education

Although I’m sure that most of you already know how to masturbate, I don’t want it said that I left out such a basic part of good sexual functioning, so here are some different methods.

Before I get into specifics, let me say loud and clear that the best tip that I can give you is to do what feels best to you. There’s no right way or wrong way. You can use your left hand or your right hand or both hands. Whatever turns you on, as the saying goes . . . and those words can’t be more appropriate than in the case of masturbation.

For men: Do-it-yourself techniques
A common word for masturbation is a hand job, and the hand is certainly the most popular instrument used by men for masturbation. What are the alternatives, you ask?

Some boys masturbate by rubbing up against the bedsheets. Some men masturbate by putting their penises inside of a specially made, life-size rubber doll. Sex shops also sell devices that simulate a vagina. Many, though not all, of these devices look like a vagina, and the man can add lubrication to make the rubber feel more like one too. I don’t know how popular these alternatives are, although my guess is that the vast majority of men rely on their own two hands.

Some men put a lubricant, such as Astroglide, either in their hand or on the shaft of their penis. Some men prefer to masturbate lying down, others standing up, and others don’t care what position they’re in. Most men enjoy looking at erotica of some sort while they masturbate, so the only kind of atmosphere they require is enough light to see the foldout properly.

Younger men sometimes practice group masturbation, nicknamed a circle jerk because the guys involved usually sit in a circle. Although this activity may appear to have homosexual overtones, it really doesn’t for most of the males involved.

Mutual masturbation between two young men is not all that uncommon either; again, it doesn’t mean that either of the participants is gay. Research shows that about 25 percent of heterosexual males engage in such activities in their early teens, while 90 percent of homosexual teens do.

Fantasy: It’s All in Your Head

Men are definitely stimulated by visual images, which is why 99 percent of the magazines that show naked people are aimed at men. Although women certainly appreciate a good-looking guy, seeing a close-up glimpse of his genitals won’t generally serve as a turn-on. What most women prefer as erotic stimulation is fantasy.

Now men fantasize also, and many men fantasize while masturbating, but the method of choice for men is still visual. Women, on the other hand, usually spend more time masturbating to reach their orgasm, so they can leisurely construct a nice, long fantasy that will get them in the right mood for an orgasm.

Stories to get you started
If fantasies interest you, and you want specific ones, I suggest you buy one of Nancy Friday’s books. She has assembled several collections of women’s and men’s fantasies (My Secret Garden, Women On Top, and so on) that most definitely make for interesting and highly arousing reading.

Although I wouldn’t be upset if you became aroused while reading this book, excitement’s not my main purpose, so I leave the recounting of other people’s fantasies to Nancy Friday and stick to giving you advice — and I do have advice to give you concerning fantasies.

Anything and anyone goes
First of all, no fantasy is wrong. In fantasy, you don’t have to worry about safer sex, what the neighbors may say, or anything else. If you want to make love to Alexander the Great and his whole army, be my guest. If you want to fantasize about Hannibal and his elephants, go ahead. Literally, whatever turns you on is A-OK.

“But Dr.,” people always ask me, “if I fantasize about someone of the same sex, doesn’t that mean that I’m gay?” The answer to that question is no. But it doesn’t mean that you’re not gay either. Now, if you can only have an orgasm while fantasizing about someone of the same sex, even when you’re with a partner of the opposite sex, that’s a different story. But if you occasionally fantasize about someone of the same sex, that doesn’t mean you’re gay.

Sharing your fantasies
Another question people often ask me is, “Should I share my fantasies with my spouse or lover?” The word that comes to mind here is caution. Some partners don’t mind hearing their lovers’ fantasies; some even get aroused by them, but some get very jealous. If you feel the need to talk about your fantasies with your partner, do it very carefully. Here are some tips:

Make the first one very tame. Maybe your favorite fantasy is being a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader caught naked in the locker room with the whole team. That’s fine, but tell your partner that your fantasy is him finding you naked in your office after hours. If he reacts positively, then you can work your way up to telling him your real fantasies down the road.

Use common sense. If your husband is built like Adam Sandler, and you tell him you’re always fantasizing about George Clooney, how do you think that information will make him feel?

Remember the Golden Rule. If you tell your partner about your fantasies, be prepared to hear his or her fantasies back. If you think that you may get jealous, then don’t open that Pandora’s box in the first place.

A fantasy is a fantasy is a fantasy . . .
I’ve run into people who were intent on making their fantasy become a reality, and most of the time that does not work. Obviously, if your fantasy is rather simple, such as being covered in whipped cream and having your partner lick it off, then having your dream come true may be possible. (And yes, the pun was intended.) On the other hand, many fantasies can either get you into trouble (the kind that have to do with making love in public places, for example), or make you very disappointed (your Adam Sandler may wreck his back carrying you over the threshold).

My last piece of advice regarding fantasies holds true for nonsexual fantasies as well as the sexual ones — remember that they’re fantasies. Some people trick themselves into believing that their fantasies are real. If your fantasy lover, for example, is a movie or TV star, that’s great. Plenty of people have fantasies about their favorite stars. But if you’re single and you go so far as to turn down dates because they’re not with that famous movie star, then you’re in big trouble. In your fantasies, you can make love to anyone; in real life, you have to find a partner who wants you. Fantasies are wonderful tools; just be careful how you use them.

Cybersex: Sights for Mature Minds

Cybersex is the exchange of sexual conversations or images over the Internet. Sometimes it results in masturbation, either in front of erotic images on a computer screen or while communicating with another person in a chat room or on an instant messenger service (IM’ing). Cybersex is not the same as phone sex — where two people who know each other but can’t be together masturbate while on the phone. Cybersex usually involves someone you’ve never met.

Computers as sex objects: Turned on all the time
One of the few areas where investors have actually made money on the Internet is in the business of sex. Sex sites abound online, offering seemingly infinite amounts of hard-core pornography. I have long said that using erotica (literary or artistic works having erotic content) can increase arousal, but the extensive categories of explicit material offered on the Web give even me reason to pause.

Looking at pornography can become addictive, especially when a person sees such vast quantities of material. Imagine what would happen to alcoholics who found a secret passage into the basement of a liquor store. Could they resist going back for more and more? Of course not, and for similar reasons, many men wander into the world of cyberporn and then can’t escape. I hear about some of the married ones because their wives complain to me, but imagine all the single guys out there who turn to their computers for sexual gratification. If you bring home a porno magazine, you can spend only so much time looking atit before you get bored. But if you have literally millions of images available on the Web, then you can spend all of your free time surfing. And with a broad- band connection, you can download full-length, X-rated movies.

Directing your own X-rated show
Not all the sex on the Net has been filmed. You can find sites that offer a live person whom only you can see and talk to. You can tell that person exactly what you want him or her to do and then listen to what he or she says. If you want two people to act out your fantasies, these sites can accommodate you as well. Partaking in this activity costs a lot more than simply watching prerecorded material, but some people find directing a fantasy with real people well worth the cost.

Sites to satisfy every fetish fantasy
The Internet has been a great resource for individuals and couples who have unique sexual interests. The abundance of material offered on the Net canalso help people to discover sexual appetites that they may never have suspected they had. For example, the types of material available on one site fall into categories such as old, ugly, fat, blood, spit, menstrual, medical, zoo, pee, poo, enema, and fart. It doesn’t bother me that you can find the Top 100 sites for foot fetishists — www.footfetishdirectory.com and www.foot zilla.com to name two. After all, the various types of fetishists (I knew about rubber fetishists, but I only found out about balloon fetishists by looking on the Web) can’t help themselves, so why shouldn’t companies cater to them as well? But when material of every possible description is labeled “erotic” and placed on one site, the resulting combination can distort people’s views — especially young people who may never have dreamed that such practices existed. Yet young people are precisely the ones who have the most curiosity about sex and are most likely to go nosing around these sites.

For adult eyes only
Many of the really hard-core sites require an age check, or even a credit card because they charge their users. That limitation doesn’t seem to deter most young men, however, and other sites offer similar material without these checks. Parents need to consider adding whatever software they see fit to keep teens from exploring such hard-core sites. However, if the parents of only one teen on the block don’t add such protection to their computer, you may lose all control over whether or not your child gets a peek at these sites.

While most sites (especially those looking to make money) force you to register in some way, plenty of sites, often called “amateur” sites, don’t require you to do any more than click on the word “Enter.” By doing so you “swear” to be over the age of 21. You don’t have to bring your wallet or even your ID to surf the wildest waves on the Web.

Finding sexually explicit material on the Net
Some of you who’ve never tried turning your computer screen into a virtual swingers’ club may wonder how you go about locating sexually explicit material on the Web. Actually, tumbling down this particular rabbit hole is very simple, though getting back out isn’t always as easy — and not just because the pornography is addictive. These sites often link back to each other so when you open one site, the only other place you can go is another sex-related site. The process is spooky. When you’re caught in one of these whirlpools of naked flesh, the only thing you can do is to shut down your Internet connection. Even then, half a dozen screens showing women performing various sex acts may still be decorating your computer’s desktop. (The data also can inhabit your computer’s memory long after you’ve left these sites. If you don’t want anyone to know what sites you’ve been visiting, at the very least delete the contents of your History folder on your hard drive.)

If you go to any search engine (like Yahoo! or Google) and type in the word “sex” or “porn,” your computer will return screen after screen of links that lead to very graphic images. If you want some guidance in this area, check out www.JanesGuide.com, which rates various erotic sites.

Getting kinky with a keyboard: Chatting online
While the erotic images on the Web mostly target men (even the pictures of naked men are shown for the gay Net surfer), you can find another entire universe aimed at both women and men — chatting. What is chatting?

Basically, chatting or IM’ing (instant messaging) is sitting at your computer and sending messages back and forth to someone in real time, unlike e-mail where you have to wait to get a reply.Just as only a fraction of the Web deals with sex, most chatting or IM’ing goes on between people who know each other and has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. Any teens who have access to a computer spend inordinate amounts of time chatting with their friends about anything and everything. Many lonely people, on the other hand, sit at their computers looking to meet someone “special.” Sometimes they succeed, and sometimes they merely fall prey to someone whose sole purpose is to deceive.

Nameless, faceless: Anonymity online
Because people use nicknames instead of their real identities when chatting, you can easily remain completely anonymous. That anonymity has good points and bad points. Keeping your privacy is good, but the person with whom you’re chatting may turn out to be a serial rapist. Therefore, I advise you to be very, very careful before agreeing to give any personal information to a stranger with whom you chat.

I know that some people have found the man or woman of their dreams on the Web, but someone else’s good fortune doesn’t offer you any protection whatsoever. If you decide to forge ahead and make direct contact with someone you’ve only chatted with online, please take every precaution.

If you want to give out a phone number, give your work number, or maybe a cell phone number, so your home address can’t be traced. (Consider giving your office address when registering a cell phone.)

If you decide to meet, do so in a very public place such as a crowded restaurant or busy bar where you can easily get up and leave. Make sure that a friend or relative knows that you’re going on this date and ask her to call your cell phone while you’re out with the person. Leave your cell phone on during the date, and if you don’t answer when your friend calls you, she should feel free to call the proper authorities.

Protecting yourself from Cyber Sex

Putting safety first

What really scares me is when I get letters or e-mails from people who say they’re going to meet their cybersex buddy for the first time and they want tips from me about how to make it the greatest sex ever. My reaction is —hold it! You shouldn’t even think about having sex with this person until you actually meet and get to know each other. Even if the person seems to be per- fectly honest and even if you’ve had cybersex, you can’t know a person well enough to have sex with them just from chatting. We discover so much about each other from body language and voice inflection that thinking you can possibly know someone well enough to have sex with them based strictly on an electronic relationship is ludicrous.

If you’ve agreed to meet and have sex, you may have a very hard time saying no if you start to get the wrong signals from that person. For this reason, you should agree only to meet, and to do so only in a public place where you can quickly and safely exit.

Is chatting cheating?
A very common question that I get these days comes from someone whose spouse has developed a relationship with someone on the Web and who wants to know whether their spouse is cheating. As I say throughout this book, I am in favor of a married person masturbating if that person has a stronger desire for sex than their mate does. As long as the couple is having sex, neither party should be ashamed to masturbate if he or she feels the need when their partner either doesn’t want to engage in sexual relations or isn’t around. But that type of masturbation is a solo activity. If you masturbate while chatting with someone in a very sexual way, and the other person does the same, then you aren’t acting alone. I consider such an activity to be cheating. You’re develop- ing a very close relationship with this other person on the computer, using activities that are very personal and should be shared only with your spouse.

Friends first
What if you have developed an online friendship with someone of the opposite sex but don’t engage in cybersex? Is that cheating? I don’t think a clear-cut answer to that question exists. Consider a similar scenario not involving the computer. Say that you have lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex once a week. Is that cheating? Not necessarily. What if the two of you have lunch every single day? Now the ground gets a little shakier. If your relationship with your spouse has some small cracks, and if you find the person with whom you’re lunching sexually attractive, then you may be flirting with danger.

You must apply the same principles to online chatting. If you rush home every evening and can’t wait to log on to the computer to chat with this other person, especially if you’re pouring your heart out to them, then you’re defi- nitely taking time away from your spouse, which verges on cheating. On the other hand, if you find someone online with whom you share a common inter- est, such as a TV show, and you chat every week after watching the latest episode, then I don’t think that you’re cheating.

Only the chatter knows
In reality, only the chatter knows whether he or she is cheating. Say, for example, you are friends with the couple who lives across the street. And say that you have sexual fantasies about the person of the opposite sex in that couple. You know the signs — you purposely cross the street and make excuses to talk to that person one on one whenever you can, or you go over just to be “neighborly.” If you keep everything out in public, that type of relationship can go on for years and nothing sexual may develop from it.

But now put that same relationship inside a computer. Instead of keeping a picket fence between the two of you, you’re communicating in a very private way and may be passing on some very private comments.

Chatting in a private way can build an intimacy that definitely falls under the banner of “cheating.” So, while I have no precise answers, I will say that if you’re honest with yourself, you will know when you’re crossing that line. And you should stop right there and then, unless you don’t intend for your marriage to last forever.

Sex forums: Any topic goes
The big advantage computer sex forums offer is that they’re organized according to subject matter, which means that you can quickly find other people who share your tastes and communicate with them, passing on ideas, places to go, and things to do. Because the Internet is without guidelines, when I say that you can chat about any topic, I mean any topic. Some of the names of these forums should give you a clue as to what you can find: “Pumps, Leather, S&M,” “Water Sports,” “Piercing,” “Dressing for Pleasure,” “Dominance and Submission Only,” “Loop and Lash B&D,” “Zoo Animal Lovers,” “Ten Things Every Lesbian Should Know About Love and Sex,” “Penis Names,” and “Below the Ankles — Feet.” Had enough?

As those names imply, not all chatting is innocent and not everyone wants a long-lasting relationship. Some people go online looking only for cybersex, which may frequently result in masturbation. When that’s the main aim of a particular computer forum, it is called a J/O (for jerk off) session. The people who inhabit these forums regularly call themselves cybersluts (see www. cybersluts.org) — and who am I to disagree? Such chatting starts with people talking dirty to each other. Eventually the two people may exchange nude pictures of each other.

E-mail erotica
It seems like the entire world has access to e-mail — and love letters have never been the same. Just be careful to whom you send your letters!

And e-mail also allows you to send pictures along with text. Just be careful about what kind of pictures you send where. For example, if you send an e-mail to someone at his or her office, chances are an employer may be able to see your message. Not only can you be embarrassed, but the person onthe receiving end can lose his or her job.

Off-line viewing
You don’t necessarily need to have your computer connected to the Web to view erotic images. You can get CD-ROMs that contain hundreds of erotic images, from the Playboy-type to vintage postcards to . . . whatever. Some of these CD-ROMs have video games that also appeal to prurient interests.

Computers can play DVDs, too, so if you want to spend your next airplane ride looking at an X-rated movie on your laptop computer, and no one is sitting in the seat next to you or behind you, you can do that too. And for those of you with video iPods, porn can be viewed on those small screens, as well as on cell phones. I suppose the day will come when you’ll be able to download porn directly into your brain.