Putting safety firstWhat really scares me is when I get letters or e-mails from people who say they’re going to meet their cybersex buddy for the first time and they want tips from me about how to make it the greatest sex ever. My reaction is —hold it! You shouldn’t even think about having sex with this person until you actually meet and get to know each other. Even if the person seems to be per- fectly honest and even if you’ve had cybersex, you can’t know a person well enough to have sex with them just from chatting. We discover so much about each other from body language and voice inflection that thinking you can possibly know someone well enough to have sex with them based strictly on an electronic relationship is ludicrous.
If you’ve agreed to meet and have sex, you may have a very hard time saying no if you start to get the wrong signals from that person. For this reason, you should agree only to meet, and to do so only in a public place where you can quickly and safely exit.
Is chatting cheating?
A very common question that I get these days comes from someone whose spouse has developed a relationship with someone on the Web and who wants to know whether their spouse is cheating. As I say throughout this book, I am in favor of a married person masturbating if that person has a stronger desire for sex than their mate does. As long as the couple is having sex, neither party should be ashamed to masturbate if he or she feels the need when their partner either doesn’t want to engage in sexual relations or isn’t around. But that type of masturbation is a solo activity. If you masturbate while chatting with someone in a very sexual way, and the other person does the same, then you aren’t acting alone. I consider such an activity to be cheating. You’re develop- ing a very close relationship with this other person on the computer, using activities that are very personal and should be shared only with your spouse.
Friends first
What if you have developed an online friendship with someone of the opposite sex but don’t engage in cybersex? Is that cheating? I don’t think a clear-cut answer to that question exists. Consider a similar scenario not involving the computer. Say that you have lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex once a week. Is that cheating? Not necessarily. What if the two of you have lunch every single day? Now the ground gets a little shakier. If your relationship with your spouse has some small cracks, and if you find the person with whom you’re lunching sexually attractive, then you may be flirting with danger.
You must apply the same principles to online chatting. If you rush home every evening and can’t wait to log on to the computer to chat with this other person, especially if you’re pouring your heart out to them, then you’re defi- nitely taking time away from your spouse, which verges on cheating. On the other hand, if you find someone online with whom you share a common inter- est, such as a TV show, and you chat every week after watching the latest episode, then I don’t think that you’re cheating.
Only the chatter knows
In reality, only the chatter knows whether he or she is cheating. Say, for example, you are friends with the couple who lives across the street. And say that you have sexual fantasies about the person of the opposite sex in that couple. You know the signs — you purposely cross the street and make excuses to talk to that person one on one whenever you can, or you go over just to be “neighborly.” If you keep everything out in public, that type of relationship can go on for years and nothing sexual may develop from it.
But now put that same relationship inside a computer. Instead of keeping a picket fence between the two of you, you’re communicating in a very private way and may be passing on some very private comments.
Chatting in a private way can build an intimacy that definitely falls under the banner of “cheating.” So, while I have no precise answers, I will say that if you’re honest with yourself, you will know when you’re crossing that line. And you should stop right there and then, unless you don’t intend for your marriage to last forever.
Sex forums: Any topic goes
The big advantage computer sex forums offer is that they’re organized according to subject matter, which means that you can quickly find other people who share your tastes and communicate with them, passing on ideas, places to go, and things to do. Because the Internet is without guidelines, when I say that you can chat about any topic, I mean any topic. Some of the names of these forums should give you a clue as to what you can find: “Pumps, Leather, S&M,” “Water Sports,” “Piercing,” “Dressing for Pleasure,” “Dominance and Submission Only,” “
As those names imply, not all chatting is innocent and not everyone wants a long-lasting relationship. Some people go online looking only for cybersex, which may frequently result in masturbation. When that’s the main aim of a particular computer forum, it is called a J/O (for jerk off) session. The people who inhabit these forums regularly call themselves cybersluts (see www. cybersluts.org) — and who am I to disagree? Such chatting starts with people talking dirty to each other. Eventually the two people may exchange nude pictures of each other.
E-mail erotica
It seems like the entire world has access to e-mail — and love letters have never been the same. Just be careful to whom you send your letters!
And e-mail also allows you to send pictures along with text. Just be careful about what kind of pictures you send where. For example, if you send an e-mail to someone at his or her office, chances are an employer may be able to see your message. Not only can you be embarrassed, but the person onthe receiving end can lose his or her job.
Off-line viewing
You don’t necessarily need to have your computer connected to the Web to view erotic images. You can get CD-ROMs that contain hundreds of erotic images, from the Playboy-type to vintage postcards to . . . whatever. Some of these CD-ROMs have video games that also appeal to prurient interests.
Computers can play DVDs, too, so if you want to spend your next airplane ride looking at an X-rated movie on your laptop computer, and no one is sitting in the seat next to you or behind you, you can do that too. And for those of you with video iPods, porn can be viewed on those small screens, as well as on cell phones. I suppose the day will come when you’ll be able to download porn directly into your brain.
