Saying that terrific sex is possible and desirable for people with physical disabilities isn’t the same as saying it’s easy to come by.Perhaps the most difficult part of sexuality for many people with disabilities is finding a partner. Some people who were once physically fit and had a partner lose that partner after they become disabled. No one can say whether losing a partner is worse than not having one in the first place; both are very, very difficult circumstances. If the disabled person’s partner does leave, adding an emotional loss to the physical one, this combination can prove unbearably painful.
Finding a partner
Persistence and open-mindedness are the most important characteristics for a person with disabilities to have in finding a partner. You have to learn to have faith in the fact that some people decide whom they want to have as a partner based on the inner person, not a person’s physical attributes or financial well-being. These individuals can look beyond physical problems because they fall in love with others based on who those people are as human beings.
For such a person to discover the inner you, you must allow your inner being to shine through. This isn’t easy. Often people with disabilities tend to hide themselves in shame or to cover their weaknesses with anger. Although these two common responses are quite understandable, you must let as many people as possible see the real you, the happy you, the sensitive you, the sexy you. Then, hopefully, you’ll find a partner.
Some people who become the partner of a person with disabilities are themselves disabled and may even have the same disability. But if you act unpleasant and make it especially difficult for someone to love you, then whether the person you meet has a disability or not doesn’t really matter. There are many wonderful people to whom a disability isn’t an impediment to opening up their heart, but that doesn’t make them want to spend time with a self-absorbed grouch.
Most disabled people have to struggle every day just to get by, so I know that you possess plenty of strength and courage. I also know, however, that giving up on something long-term, such as finding a partner, is easy to do when just getting down to the street is an effort. But you can’t let yourself give up. You have to persevere because finding someone to share your life with is a goal worth every ounce of determination you put into realizing it.
One benefit to showing your bright side is that, even if you never find a partner with whom to form a loving and sexual relationship, you will certainly make new friends. People can’t help but be attracted to a sunny disposition.
If you smile, if you give people compliments, if you tell a funny joke, if you give them a big hello, they will respond positively. On the other hand, if you have a sour face, if you mumble, if you complain, you will turn people off.
Many of you may be saying, “But I have a disability — I have enough troubles. Why do I have to reach out? Why do I have to be the first one to smile?”
Well, you know what? I give the exact same advice to a physically able person who wants to find a partner. Your disposition does play a role in attracting others, and just because you have a good excuse for feeling rotten doesn’t change the fact that negative feelings repel people. That’s just the way it is; if you want to attract people, then you have to act attractive.
Partnering the person with disabilities
Comparing pain is impossible, so I would never make a comparison between the hurt felt by those who become disabled, in whatever way, and the suffering of their partners. Nevertheless, I must acknowledge the partners’ pain. Without warning, a marriage that included a long list of activities that both partners enjoyed (such as skiing or tennis or making love on the dining room table) becomes one full of obstacles instead. Yes, the physically fit partners still have their health, but their hopes, dreams, aspirations, and fantasies can be just as damaged as those of their disabled lovers.
Sadly, but often understandably, many of these partners leave the marriage. They refuse to accept the limitations put on their lives by living with a disabled person. Sure, the world would be a great place if everyone could be heroic, but not everybody can. We shouldn’t condemn these people because we don’t know for sure what we would do if we were in their shoes.
Keeping the relationship alive
Some couples, when one partner’s health first fails, swear that they will stay together and work things out. Keeping that promise isn’t always possible, however. Sometimes the relationship ends because the healthy partner just can’t find the strength any longer to take care of a disabled partner and still manage his or her own life. In other cases it ends because the disabled person places too many demands on the partner with too little consideration.
No matter how difficult having a disability is, a person with physical challenges must be willing to give his or her partner a hand. Yes, you may have lost certain faculties, but you have to be willing to exercise the ones you still have to your fullest.
Because this is an article about sex, let me address that particular subject. If a man has an accident and, as a result, loses his ability to have erections, his wife doesn’t have to spend the rest of her life sexually frustrated. If he can still move his fingers, if he can still use his tongue, if he can hold a vibrator, he owes his wife sexual fulfillment. If the man abandons his wife sexually while at the same time asking her for all sorts of other help, then she may not be able to bear all those burdens. The same holds true for a disabled woman who withholds sexual favors.
An inspiring man
On one of my television programs, I interviewed a man who was quadriplegic, and he was willing to talk on national television about the great sex life he had with his wife. He did the best that he could with what God left to him, and he had a very successful marriage.
He is definitely inspirational, and thankfully he is not alone. Many people with physical disabilities have great sex. Coming Home, a 1978 movie (now out on DVD) about a soldier who returns from
If the healthy spouse of a disabled person who refused to engage in any sex came to me, I wouldn’t necessarily advise that person to stay in such a marriage. I may feel bad saying it, but I just might have to say that the healthy person has to think of themselves too.
You should also remember that, besides sex, many other things form the glue that keeps a loving partnership together. You have to tell your partner how much you love him; you have to thank her for putting in the extra effort that your disability may cause; in short, you must nurture your entire relationship if you are going to have a successful marriage.
If you and your partner face a disability, I can’t recommend too strongly that you speak to your doctor about sexual functioning. These days, medical help is available. For a man who can’t have an erection, Viagra (sildenafil), penile implants, or Caverject (alprostadil) injections may be effective. In the case of spinal injuries, the man may not feel an orgasm the same way he used to, but he may be able to have an erection, ejaculate, and feel pleasure from the experience. If your doctor doesn’t have the information you require on this subject, be advised that facilities exist that have helped disabled men with their sexual functioning, and make an effort to contact the one nearest you.
I also recommend that you see a sex therapist or marriage counselor — in particular, one who has experience working with disability issues. Both you and your partner may have worries and fears that play a role in your sexual functioning — maybe even a bigger role than the actual disability. You both need to talk these problems out, and rarely can a couple accomplish this communication without professional help. The same is true of strains other than sexual ones, which can tear at your relationship. Undergoing such trials is never easy, so don’t be ashamed to seek help in overcoming them.
