Just as people who take care of the mentally disabled must accept the sexuality of those under their care, so must those people who tend to any person who is permanently living in an institutional setting, including those with chronic disabilities and the elderly who are in nursing homes. For the vast majority of these people, whatever disabilities they do have, sexual dysfunction didn’t place them in the facility.
Individuals living outside of their homes deserve respect for both their sexuality and their privacy. If they need the door closed to masturbate, caretakers shouldn’t disturb them. Many times, people confined to a nursing home form romantic relationships. In these cases, I believe that facilities should designate dating rooms, with clear “Do Not Disturb” signs, so residents can enjoy their companionship in whatever way they see fit. Remember, even if a couple doesn’t have intercourse, the pleasure of touching each other, hugging, or kissing is intensified if the couple is permitted to be alone.
In some cases, a couple can’t have sex without assistance. In these instances, I advocate that the staff should be trained to help disabled individuals enjoy the benefits of sex in much the same way that the staff is trained to help these people bathe or use the restroom. Sex isn’t only for the young and beautiful, but for everybody, and this assistance should be provided in a nonjudgmental way.
To create an environment where healthy sexual relationships can flourish in these settings, the staff must receive the necessary counseling to handle such issues just as competently as they give other types of care. Because of our society’s values, helping people to have sex doesn’t always come naturally, but I believe that, given the proper guidance, we can make our institutions a little warmer than they are now by including as much loving as possible.
Uncompromising Compromised Sex
In all probability, sex for a person with disabilities or a medical condition will involve some compromises. Not every position will be possible; maybe even some very basic sex acts, such as intercourse, are impossible. Those limitations don’t mean, however, that the two people having sex can’t derive a lot of pleasure from their activities. The important thing is not to look at your sex lives as limited, but to try to make the most of the sexual performance that you can have. Discuss your situation with your doctor to find the full range of what is possible for you.
Remember that sex isn’t just orgasms. The pleasure that comes from making love (and here, I think, using that term is very important) comes also from touching each other, kissing each other, and caressing each other.
The human body and the human spirit are amazing things. Very often, the body of a disabled person compensates for one loss through the development of other senses. A blind person may find that his or her sense of hearing has improved considerably. A deaf person may develop a keener sense of smell. And so people with disabilities may well find that the parts of the sex act that are available to them become exquisitely pleasurable.
For this reason, you should never give up. Try to enjoy sex to whateverextent you can and make sure that your partner enjoys it, too. You may find that you gain as much enjoyment as any nondisabled person does and, by fully appreciating the sensations that you do have, maybe even more so.
