Premature ejaculation doesn't have to mean a premature end to your sex life. Use these strategies and ye shall, ahem, overcome.
Ultimately, it was the "stop-start" method that pushed my fiancée, Tara, over the edge. What with so much stopping and so little starting, not to mention all my various instructions -- "Slow down, easy, easy, okay, go ahead, stop, I said stop!" -- she finally blurted out, "Jesus, are we having sex or parking a car?"
As she jumped out of bed and reached for her clothes, I pleaded, "Wait. . . . You can't just get up and go -- "
"Why not? That's what you do every time we have sex."
I stammered and said something about lasting 10 seconds -- 2 more than last month. She said something about menopause and how maybe we'd be able to have sex for a whole minute by then.
"I'm so sick and tired of saying, It's okay, really,' every time we have sex," she yelled. "It's not okay! This is your problem, not mine. And if you don't get it figured out by the time I get back from Hong Kong, the engagement is off!"
Ungloved Love
Premature ejaculation (PE) has been, without a doubt, the single greatest factor in the formation of my character. Whenever someone asks me why I pursued a Ph.D. in clinical sexology and became a sex therapist, I always say it's because of my struggles with PE and the years of quiet desperation I endured.
I still remember when my college girlfriend first went on the Pill. I was terrified. Until then, a condom lined with lidocaine (a numbing agent that rendered me barely able to feel my penis) had been my first line of defense.
The sex wasn't pleasurable, but at least it wasn't totally humiliating. Now, however -- could I go it alone? The first time we made ungloved love, I was overwhelmed by the sensations: the slippery warmth, the wetness of being inside her. It felt so amazing; I wanted desperately to savor the experience. But it was out of my control. On my very first thrust, I went in, but I didn't make it out. And as I lay on top of her -- defeated, depleted -- I cried.
I wanted to make love like a man, but I was a little boy, incapable of controlling my bodily functions.
I considered PE my tragic downfall and believed myself cursed with an Achilles penis. Today, at least I know I'm not alone. Indeed, whenever I see a commercial for Viagra or one of its new competitors, I get ticked off: Why isn't the media talking about PE? According to urologists Andrew McCullough, M.D., of the New York University school of medicine, and James Barada, M.D., of the Albany College of Medicine, PE is the number-one sexual-health problem afflicting men, and is three times more common than erectile dysfunction (ED). Estimates vary, but 20 percent to 30 percent of men suffer from PE -- and those figures are based on self-reported studies.
What do women say? Nearly two-thirds of them have had sex with a man who experienced premature ejaculation, according to a recent survey of 900 women conducted by Cosmopolitan magazine. PE strikes men of all ages, and the condition affects virtually all men at some time in their lives. Dr. McCullough and Dr. Barada surveyed more than 1,100 men with PE and found that those men report less satisfaction and more anxiety about their sexual relationships. It can wreck their confidence and cause them to avoid new relationships.
Survival of the Fastest
But what if premature ejaculation isn't a curse after all, but simply "survival of the fastest"? According to Mark Jeffrey Noble, M.D., a consultant to the Cleveland Clinic Glickman Urological Institute, "One might find some logical sense, from an evolutionary point of view, to the idea that males who can ejaculate rapidly would be more likely to succeed in fertilizing a female than those males who require prolonged stimulation to reach climax."
So in that sense, maybe PE isn't a sexual dysfunction at all -- it's a completely normal way of functioning, based on male physiology. That's why we should stop calling it "premature" ejaculation and come up with a new, more accurate term: "immature ejaculation." Because, frankly, that's what it is: an immature way of doing things that largely stems from the way we're taught, or rather, not taught, to masturbate in childhood.
Most young men, fearing discovery, masturbate furtively and quickly, unwittingly exploiting, and simultaneously hard-coding, their natural propensity to rapidly achieve gratification. Weight lifters talk about "muscle memory." I believe that premature ejaculators experience "penis memory." No wonder the pioneering sex researcher Alfred Kinsey observed in his book Sexual Behavior in the Human Male that the average man can maintain penetrative thrusting for only about 2 minutes. (However, Cosmo readers said the average guy lasts 10 to 15 minutes.) We've trained ourselves to ejaculate quickly, and we need to relearn the process of sexual response in order to last longer.
The Sensitive Man
At first, like any overexcited teenager, I dealt with PE in the usual ways: masturbating before going out on dates (which helps, but becomes less effective as you get older and require more downtime between erections); downing beers; and donning double, even triple, condoms. I even tried to delay orgasm in the heat of the moment by distracting myself with baseball statistics or images of dead people -- and let me tell you, thinking about corpses during sex: definite mood killer.
Later, I graduated to herbal remedies, topical ointments, and miracle creams advertised in the backs of porn magazines. On one occasion, my little experiments led to an acid burn of my penis in the men's room of a Japanese restaurant.
In yet another doomed effort, I put the Errol Flynn method to the test: a dab of cocaine on the tip of the penis. The matinee idol once explained that it could be helpful "if you're quick on the trigger." But it didn't work for me, and I doubt it really worked for Flynn. He claimed to have slept with more than 13,000 women in his lifetime. Now, how the hell are you going to do that without being a premature ejaculator?
Am I Coming or Going?
The day Tara left for Hong Kong -- giving me 3 weeks to shape up or clear out -- I spiraled to an all-time low. In a desperate attempt to keep that ring on her finger, I tried every type of radical therapy. There was biofeedback treatment, in which an electrode was inserted where I least wanted it, and I was encouraged to engage in an activity once thought to cause blindness in teenagers; self-hypnosis tapes that lulled me into such a deep trance with its sounds of water being stopped and started that I woke up soaked in my own urine; and a session with a German "masturbation specialist" who sternly observed and critiqued my methods of self-pleasure, all the while keeping time with a metronome and commanding me to "stop, start, squeeze; stop, start, squeeze!"
By the time Tara returned, I was a complete mess. I didn't know if I was coming or going. Or, for that matter, if I'd be coming and then going after having sex with her.
And as she emerged from the shower and came to bed, naked and glistening, I was so nervous, I didn't just prematurely ejaculate, I spontaneously ejaculated.
True to her word, she left me. Don't feel bad. I don't. (Anymore.) And don't worry, either. According to the MensHealth.com and Cosmopolitan survey, less than 10 percent of women say they've dumped a guy because he was quick on the draw.
Shortly after we broke up, I began working with a really terrific sex therapist. I overcame PE within a few months, using six techniques. (See the Related article: "6 Steps to Beat PE".) I was so transformed, and inspired, that I decided to change careers and go down that path myself.
Today, I continue to learn about PE, which is exactly what the late sex therapist Helen Singer Kaplan, M.D., Ph.D., advised in what is still considered the definitive guide to conquering PE, titled How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation. My struggles led me not only to my passion in life -- writing about sex and helping others through sex therapy -- but to the love of my life, as well: my wife, Lisa. My short story finally found a happy ending.
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Men, you can last longer. For years, I silently battled premature ejaculation and test-drove every bizarre remedy I stumbled upon. Follow these exercises that finally worked for me.
