The key to good sexual functioning is to be sexually literate, and one important way of earning your master’s degree in sexual literacy is to do a little housecleaning upstairs and sweep away any sexual myths that have been hiding in the corners of your brain.1. If I Haven’t Had Sex by the Time I’m 18, I’m a Loser
When you’re 85 years old and you look back at your life, the age at which you first had sex will be absolutely irrelevant. You won’t care, and neither will anybody else. But for many younger people who are still virgins, the weight of this sexual status seems to grow heavier by the hour. Somehow, they feel that the fact that they’ve never had sex is written across their foreheads for all to see, and that everyone is laughing at them.
If you’re in this category, please don’t put any added pressure on yourself. If you feel sexually frustrated, you can masturbate. Be grateful that you can give yourself orgasms rather than resenting the fact that someone else isn’t doing it for you. And to defend yourself against those who tease you, I suggest a white lie, so they no longer can accuse you of being a virgin.
Remember, many people start having sex when they’re very young, but because the situation isn’t right, they never discover how to become great lovers and never have terrific sex lives. Rather than rushing into sex just because you reach a certain age, find out how to give your feelings time to grow and develop.
2. The More I Score, the More Pleasure I’ll Have
I’m not one of those who say that you should absolutely never have a one-night stand. In some instances, the chemistry between two people is very strong and passing up such a moment is very hard. If you are very careful about protecting yourself and are fully aware of the risks involved, then a one-night stand may be something that you indulge in once, or maybe twice.
But some people make one-night stands a part of their lifestyles. They don’t want a relationship but prefer a string of sexual partners. To them, sex is about quantity, not quality.
If you’re one of those people who think that more sex is better than good sex, all I can say is that this attitude is dumb, dumb, dumb.
With AIDS spreading and other sexually transmitted diseases already rampant, you multiply the risks when you multiply your partners, and that’s asking for trouble. Safe sex between two people simply doesn’t exist — only safer sex. Although you may not catch an STD the first time you have a one-night stand, each time you have one, you increase the odds — in particular, because those people with whom you have these one-night stands are obviously also prone to risky behavior.
And what if you’re a woman and a mistake happens and you wind up pregnant? What kind of support do you think you’ll get from someone you barely know?
Apart from the risks, one-night stands just do not make for the best sex. What makes having sex with another person better than masturbating is the intimacy, the shared feelings, the romance attached to the moment. None of these circumstances exists during a one-night stand.
And then you have to deal with the next morning. If you want to see the other person again and they’d rather not, imagine how much worse the feeling of rejection will be than if they’d said no in the first place. And if you’re the one doing the rejecting, well, how good could the one-night stand have been if you never want to repeat it?
Putting another notch on your bedpost isn’t as satisfying as exchanging the full range of emotions that pass between two people who make love.
3. Me Immune to AIDS
Because the AIDS epidemic struck the gay community first, many straight people refuse to admit that they can catch this deadly disease. In
4. The Grass Is Always Greener in the Neighbors’ Bedroom
Some people think that they’re missing out by staying within the bounds of marriage. When it comes to having an affair, these people believe that the grass is greener in the next pasture. Although sexual boredom is certainly something to watch out for in your own life, maybe you ought to remove those green-colored glasses when looking over the neighbor’s fence.
In my opinion, most people exaggerate about their sexual escapades. So when you read how often people are having sex, or how many partners they’ve had, or any of the other statistics that float around, and then you look at your own life, yours may seem inadequate. But if those numbers are all inflated, then you’re really not losing out, are you?
Don’t believe every poll you read. When people answer all those questionnaires, do you really believe that they tell the truth? Would you be completely honest, or would you exaggerate a bit?
Most people can improve their sex lives, and I’m certainly an advocate of that. But if you try to make those improvements only because you want to keep up with the Joneses, then you’ll only be setting yourself up for disappointment. (Besides, the Joneses may be trying to keep up with YOU!)
5. Having Sex Will Make Everything All Right
Sex isn’t a cure for a lousy relationship. That fact may seem obvious, but many people don’t seem to know this. A woman may be in a relationship with someone who mistreats her, and instead of running for the hills, she agrees to go one step further and have sex with him. Why? She thinks that, because he seems to want sex so badly, he’ll change into a pussycat after he’s had his way with her.
This idea is a prime example of putting the cart before the horse. You have to work on the relationship — build it up and make it into something worth sharing together — before you add the final ingredient, which is sex.
Sex is like the whipped cream you put on an ice cream sundae. Without the ice cream to hold it up, the whipped cream alone isn’t satisfying. But mixed in with the rest of the ingredients, that whipped cream tastes absolutely delicious.
Sex by itself can’t make up for all the other inadequacies of a relationship, so before you have sex with someone, build the foundation first.
6. A Good Lover Must Be an Open Book
When you first meet somebody, you probably try to sweep parts of yourself under the carpet. If the two of you hit it off, slowly but surely you begin to peel away the layers and reveal your true selves. Part of that revelation certainly takes place if you have sex together. This process is wonderful and vital to building a relationship, but you can also take it too far.
If you love the other person, but you think that his nose is too big, there’s no point in telling him that again and again, or even once.
If, when you’re making love, you fantasize that you’re actually in the arms of Halle Berry or Brad Pitt, don’t tell your partner that, either. The information serves no purpose other than to hurt your partner.
And if you’ve always fancied making love in the center ring of the circus but your partner is a prude, then don’t bother revealing this side of yourself. If you do, your partner likely will think less of you.
Yes, you should be as honest as you can with your partner, especially if you’re married to him or her. But honesty isn’t the best policy if all it accomplishes is to cause pain to the one you love.
7. I Should Always Compare Sexual Partners
I can understand comparing certain things, such as restaurants or CDs. But comparing partners, sexually that is, can be a lose-lose situation. Now I’m not talking about comparing two people whom you casually date. I mean when you and someone you’re serious about end up becoming lovers. If, at that point, you begin to compare the way this person makes love to the way your previous partner did it, you’re asking for trouble.
Although you may think that your sexual feelings happen only between your belly and your knees, in fact, they chiefly reside in your brain. And that means it’s easy to distract your mind from the business at hand.
So if you start the comparison process, even if your new lover comes out on top, the fact that you’re comparing instead of letting your mind go and partaking of the pleasure of the moment lessens your enjoyment.
So play down those urges to compare lovers and keep your mind focused on what’s happening to your body right then and there. On the other hand, if you’ve learned any skills or acquired any knowledge from a past relationship, make sure to incorporate those techniques into any new relationships.
8. I Can’t Become a Better Lover
If you ever read the life story of someone at the top of their field — a professional athlete, a famous actor, a great artist — you always find that those individuals worked very hard to get where they are. Sure, natural talent has something to do with how good you are, but seeking to improve your skills is just as important, because the more you train, the better you become.
This idea is just as true with sex. Everyone can become a better lover. Some of the most common difficulties that people experience can be easily alleviated if you work at it.
9. Lovers Want and Need the Same Things
You and your lover probably have some tastes in common, but certainly not in everything. And why should you?
Although I’m sure that you both enjoy orgasms, how many you need in a particular period may vary, as well as your likes and dislikes for the methods you use to achieve those orgasms.
If you accept that you’re different, and if you agree to make compromises, then you shouldn’t have any problems adapting to each other. You may have to learn how to satisfy your partner when you’re not interested in having an orgasm. But learning that skill isn’t that difficult, and doing so can help make your relationship a lot better.
However, having unrealistic expectations can get you into trouble. So don’t expect your partner to think and act exactly the way you do. You’ll be a lot happier for it.
10. I’m Too Old to Have Sex
Human beings find that many of their faculties grow weaker as they grow older, but none that so many people give up on as easily as sex. If your eyesight gets weaker, do you go around squinting, or run to the eye doctor? If your hearing becomes impaired, do you go around saying “What?” all day long, or get a hearing aid? So if your sexual apparatus diminishes, why would you give up on it entirely?
That sexual functioning declines with age is a given, but that it disappears altogether is most definitely not. As you grow older, you go through certain stages, which are different for men and women. Men may need their partners to stimulate their penises or to use a drug such as Viagra. Women stop producing natural lubricants and have to apply the store-bought variety.
If wearing glasses doesn’t interfere with your enjoyment of reading a book, then adapting to the necessities of age when it comes to sex shouldn’t be a big deal either. Keep having sex as long as you physically can, and sex will help keep your life worth living.
