In a perfect sexual world, terrific partners would be easy to find, everyone would have great orgasms easily, and no one could get sick from having sex. Of course, we don’t live in a perfect world, sexually or any other way, and so one out of four Americans between the ages of 15 and 55 will catch at least one sexually transmitted disease (STD). (Some people now refer to sexually transmitted diseases as sexually transmitted infections, or STIs. I’m sticking to the old term, but they’re interchangeable.)“Did she say at least one?” Yes. Because more than 30 sexually transmitted diseases exist, oftentimes the people who engage in the behaviors that lead to getting one disease wind up getting more than one. In case you haven’t heard already, the sexual revolution of the previous decades, in which people suddenly felt free to have sex with a number of partners, is over. With so many diseases around, you can say that society is now in the middle of a sexual invasion, with the result that having multiple partners can lead to mucho trouble.
If you have had sex many times with many partners, don’t assume that you are disease free just because you don’t have any symptoms:
- Many people with STDs, especially women, don’t show any symptoms at all.
- Other people with STDs have only a slight fever, which they don’t connect with an STD, and no more symptoms for years. Although having an open sore certainly means that you’re highly contagious, the fact that you have no symptoms at all doesn’t mean that you can’t give someone else the disease.
- Just because your partner has no outward signs of having a sexually transmitted disease doesn’t mean that your partner is disease free; because your partner may never have had any symptoms, he or she can pass something on to you in all innocence.
Did I say something about the sexual revolution being over? If you want to remain healthy, you must act as though the sexual revolution is dead and buried.
STDs:
Because the sexual invasion encompasses so many different STDs, it’s a complicated battle to fight. Furthermore, since the arrival of AIDS, the consequences of failure could be deadly. My advice, therefore, is to find yourself one partner, have yourselves tested for all the major STDs to make sure that you’re both healthy, use condoms if you have any doubts about your respective health, and practice safer sex.
Because this advice may come too late for some of you, or because accidents happen no matter how hard you try to prevent them, I’m going to give you a list, in alphabetical order, of some of the diseases that you may run across. Although the figures used in this book apply to the
Because AIDS, which has grabbed all the headlines, hit the gay male population first in the
- Women tend to get STDs more easily than men, probably because they receive fluids during intercourse.
- Many of these diseases do not show any initial symptoms in women.
- Treating a woman who has an STD is often more difficult than treating a man.
- More often than not, the woman ultimately suffers the more serious consequences of STDs, such as infertility, ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy that occurs outside the uterus), chronic pelvic pain, and even cancer.
If you do have a sexually transmitted disease or even think that you have one, see a doctor. This advice may sound obvious, but too many people don’t seek medical help, probably because of embarrassment. They may be embarrassed because they don’t want to reveal their sex life or because they don’t want to submit to an exam of their most private parts, or both.
An all-too-common form of treatment adopted by young people is to self-prescribe medication. If a doctor has prescribed a medication for one person, a friend of that person with similar symptoms may use that medicine too.
Sharing prescriptions is a bad idea. Even doctors sometimes have difficulties diagnosing which STD is which. By taking the wrong medication, you may make your situation worse.
Let’s Get Serious
Doctors have no vaccine against AIDS. They have no cure for herpes. You can get STDs that have no symptoms but can later leave you sterile. Are you scared of catching an STD? If you’re not, you should be — scared enough to practice safer sex.
I use only the term safer sex. Truly safe sex means celibacy. Safe sex can also mean monogamous sex with an uninfected partner, but, sorry to say, one mistake by one of you (perhaps even before you met because some of these diseases don’t make themselves known for years) can lead to both of you becoming infected, so we’re really back to safer sex.
Certainly the fewer partners you have, the less risk you have, but catching a disease can happen in only one instance with an infected partner.
Remember, when you go to bed with someone, you’re also going to bed with the germs of every partner that this person ever had.
Condoms give good, not great, protection
And what about condoms? Condoms offer protection — that is absolutely true. But condoms do not offer absolute protection against AIDS or the other STDs. Why?
- Condoms sometimes break.
- Condoms can break down in the presence of oil-based products.
- Condoms sometimes leak when you take them off.
- People sometimes forget to use condoms.
Even people who do use condoms for intercourse often don’t use them for oral sex, which, while less risky, is not safe.
Some STDs are spread through contact with other parts of the genitals, including any leakage of vaginal fluids.
So the best preventive measure is a combination of responsible sexual behavior and condom use.
Have a relationship before you have sex
I know that finding one person to fall in love with when you’re young and sticking with that person for the rest of your life is difficult. That situation is ideal — for preventing AIDS and a lot of other social ills — but it’s unrealistic to assume that everybody can do that. Most people have multiple partners, and so most people are at risk.
But just because the vast majority of people have more than one partner is not an excuse for you to have as many partners as you can. I believe it’s just terrible that people out there still engage in very risky behaviors, especially among the gay population that has been devastated by AIDS.
I don’t like to preach because I know it doesn’t do any good, but I can’t avoid saying one more time to all of my readers — please be careful, your life is at stake.
Don’t be a silent partner
In our society, more people are willing to engage in sexual activity together than to talk about it, and a good deal of the blame for sexually transmitted diseases comes from this failure to communicate.
You all know the Golden Rule about doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you planned to have sex with someone, and they had a sexually transmitted disease, wouldn’t you want them to tell you in advance? The same applies to you: If you have a sexually transmitted disease, you have to tell any potential partners. Notice that I said potential because I won’t hide the fact that, if you tell somebody that you have an STD, that person may suddenly run in the opposite direction. If you have a disease such as herpes, which never goes away, you will face not only a lifetime of outbreaks, but also difficulty in finding partners. You have to accept that. You cannot go around infecting other people.
By the way, One U.S. woman was awarded $750,000 in court from her ex-husband because he gave her herpes, and the legal trend is to make people accountable.
But I don’t want you to be up front about your disease merely to keep the law away from your bank account. I want you to do it because you have sex only with people whom you care about, with whom you have a relationship, and to whom you don’t want to pass a sexually transmitted disease.
Some of you may want to be honest but are saying to yourselves right now, “How do I talk to a potential partner about STDs?”
The answer is very simple: You just do it. If you have the gumption to have sex with somebody, then don’t tell me that you can’t work up the courage to open this subject. I’m not saying doing so is easy. I am saying it’s not impossible, and that you have to do it.
Timing your AIDS and STD talk
Because not everybody waits to form a strong relationship before having sex, the issue of STDs can come up before the two people involved are really a couple. They may have to ask some very intimate and personal questions of each other before they really know each other all that well.
Now you may believe that if a couple is ready to have sex, then they should be ready to at least talk about it. But these days sex can precede real intimacy so that a discussion about STDs must also be inserted at an earlier stage than it used to be. If both parties clearly want to go to bed together and really look for a simple assurance of probable good health, then this conversation may be no more than a speed bump on the way to the bedroom. But if one person is not confident of the other person’s desire to have sex, how should the discussion of AIDS and other STDs be handled? Let me give you some possible scenarios.
Paul and Juliette
Paul and Juliette have had five dates, and they haven’t had sex yet. Their last date was with another couple. They’d gone out dancing, and during the last few slow dances, Paul had held Juliette very close. He’d had an erection, and rather than pull away from him, Juliette had pushed her pelvis into his. To Paul, it was a clear sign that Juliette was ready to go to bed with him, but because their friends were driving, Paul had to content himself with a goodnight kiss when they dropped Juliette off at her place.
During the week, he called Juliette and asked her to dinner. He picked a place that was about six blocks from where she lived. When he arrived, he parked his car and suggested they walk. After a little bit of banter, he sucked in his breath and asked her: “Do you think it’s too early in our relationship to be talking about AIDS testing?” She answered, “No, Paul, I don’t,” and the discussion that needed to take place did.
By posing the question this way, Paul didn’t presume that they were going to have sex. He left it to Juliette to decide. If she’d wanted to wait longer, she could easily have told him so. But, because she was ready to have sex with him, the discussion was able to proceed smoothly. They were both interested in the same goal.
Fran and Tony
Fran met Tony the day after he moved into her apartment complex. She saw him again later at the grocery store, where he was stocking up on supplies. She ended up cooking him dinner that night. He was very busy those first few weeks setting up his apartment and starting a new job, but they did get together for a drink a few times and once for a quick dinner at a local Mexican place.
Tony finally had a weekend off. This time he offered to take her to this fancy French restaurant that Fran really loved. They had a great meal and shared a bottle of champagne that went to Fran’s head a little bit. When they got back to the apartment complex, instead of heading their separate ways, as they’d done previously, Tony invited Fran inside and she accepted. They had some brandy while sitting on his new sofa, and soon Fran found herself wrapped in his arms. Her clothes started coming off, and not too much later he was leading her to the bedroom, their clothes scattered over the living room floor.
As they lay down on the bed, Fran asked Tony: “You don’t have any . . . uh. . . diseases, do you?”
“No way,” he said, “I’m not one of those guys who’ll sleep with just anybody.” A little voice inside of Fran started to whisper something, but at that point she was somewhat tipsy, very aroused, and totally naked, and so she didn’t bother listening.
What that little voice inside of Fran was trying to tell her was that, although Tony was saying that he wasn’t that kind of guy, here he was going to bed with someone he barely knew. Was that really the first time he’d done that?
Most people in Fran’s position would have done exactly what she did — give in to the moment. That’s why you must have the AIDS discussion long before that moment arrives. Don’t wait until you’re in a situation where it would not only be embarrassing to suddenly pull back, but also almost emotionally impossible to resist going ahead. Especially exhibit caution when drugs or alcohol are involved. You have to be realistic about sex and know that your ability to resist temptation is not infinite. You have to protect yourself in many ways, not just with a piece of rubber.
Speaking of rubber, what if Tony had added, “And anyway, I’m using a condom”? Would that have made it okay?
Not necessarily, because condoms can break or fall off or leak. Even if a condom stays on in one piece, a condom still may not be enough to protect you from STDs.
Whether or not you listen to my advice about forming a relationship before jumping into bed, definitely never put yourself in the type of situation that Fran did. How do you avoid that? Simple . . .
Make yourself a resolution that you will never get undressed until you’re sure that doing so is safe. If he starts to unbutton your blouse or she grabs hold of your zipper, tell your partner to stop and explain why you’re stopping him or her. Tell him or her that your reluctance isn’t because you don’t want to become intimate — assuming that you do — but because you need to talk about safer sex first.
After having this conversation, you may both decide to renew your activities, possibly stopping at a prearranged point or maybe going all the way, depending on what you said. Whatever the final outcome, at least you’ll know that the decision was calculated and not left to chance.
Steve and Betsy
Steve and Betsy were in college. They started going out in September, and by October they were in love. They would often wind up in each other’s rooms for the night and would masturbate each other to orgasm, but Betsy wouldn’t let Steve penetrate her with his penis. Steve, who wasn’t a virgin, wasn’t sure exactly what was going on, and then it hit him: Betsy knew about Steve’s sexual relationships with other girls and was worried about AIDS.
One night, after they had dinner together in the cafeteria, he took her for a walk to a quiet part of the campus. They sat down on a bench and Steve sprung his surprise. “I’ve made an appointment to be tested for AIDS tomorrow.” Betsy looked at him for a few moments, not saying anything. Finally she said, “Steve, I hope you’re not doing this for me. I love you, I really do, but I’m not going to have intercourse with you, or anybody, until I get married.”
Steve’s brilliant piece of deduction had been dead wrong. Betsy wasn’t worried about AIDS. She simply intended to keep her virginity until she married.
In this case, Steve needed to have a different sort of conversation with Betsy before bringing up diseases — one about their relationship. Betsy hadn’t said anything about her commitment to wait because she’d been a little afraid that Steve might leave her over it. She was willing to offer him sexual release and was happy with the orgasms he gave her, but that was as far as she was willing to go.
Betsy should be applauded for wanting to wait. But maybe, because she was the one putting on the brakes, she should have brought the subject up earlier and saved Steve the embarrassment he felt that night on the bench.
Again, you can never assume that the other party wants to have intercourse with you. That’s why raising the subject of testing can be so embarrassing in the first place. But, if you use the approach that Paul did (in the first scenario), putting the question within a context from which the other person can gracefully back out, you’ll find that you’re less likely to stumble the way Steve did.
Discovering a potential partner’s character
I know it’s difficult to have the STD talk, but besides protecting yourself from disease, you gain another benefit from having this talk, and that’s what you’ll learn about this potential partner’s character. I’m sure that you want someone with whom you’re going to have a physical relationship to be honest aboveboard, and caring. I want to tell you that when you bring up the subject of being tested for STDs, you’re going to learn a lot about how honest, above board, and caring this person really is. By the time the conversation is over, you will know whether you want to get extremely intimate with this person.
And there’s one more benefit that comes from being able to talk openly about STDs. As I’ve said over and over again in this book, to have terrific sex, you and your partner have to be able to communicate about your sexual needs. That, too, is a difficult subject, but it’s nothing compared to the STD talk. So if you can get over the STD hurdle, you’ll have opened the lines of communication and should have a much easier time telling each other what you like and don’t like when it comes to the pleasurable side of sex.
Minimize your risks
After reading the descriptions of sexually transmitted diseases earlier in this article, you’ve probably had the thought that maybe sex isn’t worth the risk. The problem with that reaction is that it will fail you when you most need it.
What do I mean by that? At some point, you’ll be with somebody you’re very attracted to sexually, and that person is attracted to you. Maybe you’ll be in your apartment, or maybe in the other person’s. And you’ll be kissing, hugging, and stroking each other. Temperatures will start going up. Clothes will start coming off. An erection and a lubricated vagina will be on the loose. A comfortable bed will be nearby. You’ll both be absolutely ready to have sex, and you won’t have a condom nearby.
In that scenario, will you remember these pages and all these nasty and deadly sexually transmitted diseases? Will you be willing to say no, or to put your clothes back on and go find a 24-hour drugstore? Or will you say to heck with the risks and jump into bed?
Although some of you may have the fortitude to place caution ahead of passion, many of you won’t. For that reason, you have to be prepared ahead of time. Carry a condom in your purse or pocket or keep one in your glove compartment or bedside table.
You all know my reputation. I don’t try to scare people away from having sex. Instead, I want to make sure that you have the best sex possible. But an integral part of great sex is healthy sex, protected sex. Although, in the heat of passion, you may well be willing to take any risk, afterwards, if you catch one of these diseases — especially AIDS — you’ll regret that orgasm for the rest of your life.
Have great sex, but be careful. In fact, have terrific sex and be very careful.
