The subject that people ask me about most often is premature ejaculation. Men who suffer from the problem seek my help, as do their partners, who also suffer as a result of the problem. (I’ve yet to hear from any family dogs, but I’m sure that even they can suffer from the problem, because ill-tempered masters aren’t as generous with their treats.)People have all sorts of ideas about why a man can’t keep his erection as long as he wants to and what he can do to make himself last longer, but I don’t think most of these so-called treatments are effective. I give you a surefire solution for premature ejaculation in the section, “The real cure: Recognizing the premonitory sensation.”
Defining the dilemma
First, we have to define premature ejaculation. The definition that I use is that a man is a premature ejaculator when he can’t keep himself from ejaculating before he wants to. Notice that I said before he wants to, not she. That distinction is important. And the cause is not physical, but mental. In other words, it’s not the man’s penis that is “malfunctioning,” but his brain.
Because not every woman can have an orgasm through sexual intercourse, a man can possibly keep his erection all night and still not satisfy the woman he’s with if all the couple does is have intercourse. But because most women want to feel the sensations of sexual intercourse, no matter how or if they reach their orgasms during intercourse, most men need to do all they can to figure out the techniques that allow them to last for a certain period of time.
Just how long is the period of time a man needs to last? Now we have to go back to my definition — the time frame depends on the man. If your partner reaches her orgasm after 20 minutes of intercourse, you want to aim for that amount of time. If she doesn’t climax through intercourse at all, then maybe you only want to last for 10 minutes. What’s important is that you learn how to gain control of when you have your orgasm, so you can decide when to ejaculate instead of ejaculating because of circumstances beyond your control.
As with many sexual dysfunctions, different degrees of premature ejaculation exist. Some men are so severely afflicted that they can’t last long enough to penetrate a woman for intercourse. Some men even climax in their pants at the very thought that they may have sex with a woman. But even a man who can penetrate his partner and last 15 minutes may fall under the umbrella of premature ejaculator if he wants to last 5 extra minutes and can’t do so.
Does circumcision make a difference?
The penis of a man who hasn’t been circumcised is often more sensitive than a circumcised man’s. The reason for this is that the glans, or head, of a circumcised penis gets toughened by coming into contact with the man’s underwear all day without the protection of the foreskin.
I don’t know of any scientific study on the effect of circumcision, but for most men who ejaculate prematurely, the problem is in their heads — not the heads of their penises. So I don’t believe that circumcision makes a significant difference. Most certainly a man who isn’t circumcised can learn how to prolong his climax just as effectively as a man who is.
The age factor
A young man’s libido (sexual drive) is stronger than an older man’s, and so premature ejaculation is a problem that sometimes disappears, or at least decreases, with age. Mind you, I said sometimes. I’ve heard from men in their 80s who’ve suffered from premature ejaculation all their lives. And when I say that the problem lessens, I’ve also heard from men who were able to last 3 minutes instead of 2, so how much better is that? My advice is not to wait for age to take care of this problem, but rather to act as soon as possible.
Home remedies
You all know men who refuse to stop and ask for directions when they’re lost, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that many men decide that they can handle the situation by tinkering with their technique, rather than by seeking professional help. As you may expect, the results are mixed, so although I don’t recommend any of these ideas, here they are:
The “slide” technique
Probably the most common method that men use to control their orgasmic response is to think of something that isn’t sexy. Woody Allen immortalized this technique in a film where, in the middle of making love, he yelled out, “Slide!” He was thinking about Jackie Robinson running the bases, instead of the woman he was with, in an attempt to delay his orgasm. (By the way, the film is Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask.)
This technique can work to some degree, but it’s not a good way of making love. This method makes a chore out of the sex act, rather than something pleasurable, and your partner may sense that wall you put between you and the act and think that you want to distance yourself from her.
Rubber love
Condoms do cut down on the sensations that a man has, and some men can control their premature ejaculation by using condoms. If one condom doesn’t work, they put on two or more.
I certainly recommend that people use condoms — sometimes I sound like a broken record about it — but my goal is to prevent the spread of STDs. Using these same condoms as a crutch, lessening your pleasure, is a shame when you have a better way.
Snake oil
You can find products on the market that supposedly lessen the sensations in the penis so the man can last longer. In the first place, I don’t know whether these over-the-counter products really work, although you can buy prescription medications that deaden whatever body part on which they’re applied. But, even if that does the trick, just as with condoms that lessen sensation, why go for the quick fix when you can have a permanent cure?
Masturbation: Taking matters into your own hands.
A method adopted by some young men is to masturbate before going out on a date that may lead to sex. The object here is to decrease the intensity of their desire for sex in the hopes of gaining some control. Although this method sometimes works, it has several drawbacks:
Masturbation may not always be possible. What if the two of you are living together or married? Or what if the woman pays a surprise visit to your dorm room?
Another drawback is that of timing. What if you masturbate in anticipation of having sex after the date, but she wants to have sex before you go out, and you can’t get an erection?
And then there’s your enjoyment. The second orgasm may not be as pleasurable as the first, and, with all the worrying about when to masturbate, the sensory experience of sexual intercourse ends up being diminished.
When it comes to curing premature ejaculation, my advice is to keep your hands to yourself and practice some self-control.
Different positions
Some men say that they have more control over their orgasms in one sexual position or another. The missionar y position (when the man is on top) is probably the one in which men have the most problems, but not always. I even had one man write to me saying that he could control his climaxes if he was lying on his right side but not his left.
Some researchers have found that greater muscular tension can increase the tendency toward premature ejaculation, which means the missionary position, in which the man holds himself up with his arms, may accentuate premature ejaculation. But, because I really believe that this condition is a psychological one rather than a physical one, some psychological factors, different for each individual, may also come into play regarding positions.
If you find you have more control using some positions than others, then sticking to those positions is a possible solution — but not the most satisfactory one. If you limit yourself to that one position, sex may become boring.
Why not try to discover how to take control of the situation altogether so you can engage in any sexual position and still have control?
The real cure: Recognizing the premonitory sensation
The real cure for premature ejaculation is for you to be able to recognize the premonitor y sensation. What is that, you ask? The premonitory sensation is that feeling that a man gets just before he reaches the point of no return, also called the moment of inevitability.
Each man has a certain threshold of pleasure; after he crosses it, he can’t stop his orgasm. A fire engine may go through the bedroom, and he would still have an orgasm and ejaculate. But, right before he reaches that point, if he so desires, he can cool the fires and not ejaculate. And if he wants to abandon his status as premature ejaculator, he must learn to identify this sensation.
How do you learn to recognize this premonitory sensation? By treating your orgasm with kid gloves and approaching it very carefully. You can’t imitate the Road Runner, heading for the edge of a cliff at full throttle, and then apply the brakes and stop just before you fall off the edge. With that approach, you’re more likely to wind up like Wile E. Coyote, who always chases right after the Road Runner. He can never seem to stop in time and ends up racing over the cliff and plummeting into the canyon.
The idea, then, is to learn how to slow down the process before you get too close to the edge. Exactly how you do this depends on several factors, the biggest being whether you have a cooperative partner, with the emphasis on cooperative. Someone you’ve had sex with only a few times, and not very satisfactory sex at that, may not be willing to be as supportive as you need. But if you have someone who loves you, and who wants to make your sex life together better, then you’re probably well on your way to curing the problem.
Although curing premature ejaculation as a couple may be easier, making progress alone isn’t impossible. In other words, you can practice recognizing the premonitory sensation through masturbation and begin to develop some control. (Not every man can learn this control by himself because a woman’s presence causes some men to get overexcited in the first place.) Practicing this technique alone probably takes more effort and more self-control, but it’s certainly worth your time.
The start-stop technique
In 1955, Dr. James Semans, a urologist at
When a couple comes to me looking to solve a case of premature ejaculation, I usually forbid them from having intercourse for a set time, as a way of removing the pressure from the situation. I don’t want them to remain sexually frustrated, so I allow them to give each other orgasms after their lessons, but not through intercourse.
During a couple’s first lessons, the woman uses her hand to arouse the man and stops the motion when he signals her to. Slowly, he begins to exercise more and more control. Depending on the man, this whole process can take a few weeks or a few months, but the process is almost always successful.
Masters and Johnson squeeze technique
The noted sex researchers Masters and Johnson developed a variation of the start-stop technique, called the squeeze technique. With this method, rather than merely stopping stimulation to the penis, the man’s partner gently squeezes the frenum of the penis (the strip of skin connecting the glans to the shaft on the underside of the penis) until the man loses his urge to ejaculate. Because the start-stop technique is usually effective, the squeeze technique isn’t as commonly used.
Another useful aid in controlling premature ejaculation can be the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle, which, when squeezed, has a similar effect to the woman squeezing the base of the penis. The first thing you have to do is find this muscle. Put a finger behind your testicles. Pretend that you’re going to urinate and then stop yourself. You’ll feel a muscle tighten, and that’s your PC muscle. If you exercise this muscle regularly, by squeezing it in sets of ten, it will get stronger, and you can then use it to help control your ejaculations.
Is it really that simple?
When I describe the treatment to some men, they look at me and say, “Is it really that simple?” The answer to their question is yes and no. The technique itself is very simple, but it involves some discipline, and that discipline’s not always so simple.
Some men, when they first start doing the exercises, are all gung-ho. They look forward to solving this problem, and if their partners are equally excited, they apparently make a lot of progress, at least during the initial stage. But then they get impatient. They don’t listen to Dr. Ruth, and they decide to try what they’ve learned before I give them permission. Sometimesit works, and sometimes it doesn’t. When the technique doesn’t work, they’re disappointed, and some men even give up entirely.
Learning to exercise control isn’t always easy. Look at all the people who can’t stop themselves from overeating or smoking cigarettes. If premature ejaculation is a habit that has become highly ingrained, you can’t assume that you can make it go away without some effort on your part. But, or should I say BUT, if you do put in the necessary time and effort, you can gain control over when you ejaculate.
Going for help
This section tells you enough that, if you suffer from premature ejaculation, you can try to cure yourself on your own. As I said, this process works much better if you have a partner who wants to help you. Although trying on your own is okay, that method doesn’t work for everyone. Some men need the extra guidance provided by a sex therapist. In that case, my advice to you is to go and find one.
