Ladies, if any of you still believe that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then you have a lot to figure out about men. Between fast-food franchises, pizza, and Chinese takeout, men can easily feed themselves. But they’re not so crazy about taking care of some of their other needs by themselves — and I’m not talking about sewing on buttons. So pay attention to the tips in this chapter if you want to get the most from your relationship.1. Try Not to Give Mixed Signals
Turning men on doesn’t really take much; if you’re not careful, you can do it accidentally. Although, as a woman, getting in the mood takes a while, a man can have an erection in what seems like milliseconds. And with those lightning reflexes hard-wired into his brain, it’s easy to confuse a man by some gesture that you aren’t even aware you made.
Imagine that you just had a tough commute home on a hot day. You walk through the door feeling sweaty and confined, and, without thinking, you kick off your shoes, hike up your skirt, and pull down your pantyhose. Ahh, relief. Now, your partner watches all of this. To him, what you’re doing is not a cooling-off gesture, but a striptease . . . and right in his living room, no less.
He may be conditioned to seeing you change clothes in the bedroom without getting excited by it (or maybe not), but seeing this sudden exposure of bare flesh where he least expected it will definitely get his blood surging south of the border.
Now he’s thinking hot while you’re thinking cold, as in shower. He starts sidling over; you see that look in his eyes, think “What is he, crazy?,” give him a stiff arm, and make a beeline for the shower. If you’re really in miscommunication mode, after your shower, you start thinking about “it” and come out of the shower wearing only a towel to see what reaction you get. But having just been rejected, he figures that if he reaches out, he’ll only get his hand slapped. So instead he plays King Couch Potato and asks what’s for dinner, which makes you furious.
Mixed signals such as this happen to couples all the time. You can’t always prevent them, but it helps if you’re aware of what type of behavior can trigger them.
2. Lack of Sex Really Can Hurt
The term is blue balls, and whether a man’s testicles actually turn any colors I don’t know, but they can absolutely ache from the need for sexual release. Now, the pain isn’t so acute that a man can’t stand it, and, if no one else is around, all he has to do is masturbate to bring needed relief. But he’s also not putting you on when he says that his testicles hurt.
This is another reason not to give mixed signals. If you get a man that excited and then change your mind about giving him sexual release, he won’t be pleased. Men really don’t like women who tease because not only do their egos suffer, but their testicles do as well.
3. Sometimes Wasting Electricity Is Okay
As demonstrated by the success of magazines such as Playboy, men get turned on visually, which is why they’d really appreciate it if you would cover up a bit less when the time comes to make love. I know that you like to cuddle and be cozy, and that a dark room with the covers drawn up to your chin helps you feel safe enough to get aroused, but for the sake of your man, how about leaving the lights on once in a while?
Now, I’m not asking you to cover your room with mirrors because I understand that you have to be able to look your mother-in-law in the eye when she visits. But as long as the room temperature is warm enough not to cause goose bumps, give your man the visual stimuli he desires.
4. Teamwork Is Important
So many of you women are sick of sports. Having your man spend Sunday afternoons watching other men hitting each other may seem boring, but I believe sports can teach you a lesson about sex.
To you women, verbal communication is very important. Because men, in general, don’t talk as much — especially the strong, silent type — it seems as if they don’t communicate to each other. But many men prefer to bond not by talking but by doing something together, as a team. Having played sports as young men and discovered how to appreciate the benefits of teamwork, men find that watching sports has a great attraction.
So how does this idea affect your love life? For one thing, the more teamwork you have in your sex life, the more communication you’ll have between the two of you, and the happier you’ll both be. Here are some suggestions to get the action started:
- The simplest thing you can do is to initiate sex once in a while if you tend to leave that task to him.
- Buy some sex toys, edible underwear for example, and present them to him one night.
- Suggest writing up a game plan for the night’s sexual activities. Include starting time, which positions, and which room of the house.
- Buy a team uniform, maybe matching T-shirts, that can serve as a secret signal between the two of you that — if you’re both wearing them —then that night, or that afternoon, is reserved for sex.
- Take an active part in sex and score some points that put you right at the top of his standings.
5. The Playboy Playmate Is Not a Threat
I actually do like the articles in Playboy, but I know that many women wouldn’t care if every issue won a Pulitzer Prize for journalism; they still don’t want to see that magazine — or any other publication, video, or Web site that features naked, nubile women — in their homes. Such women feel threatened by these pictures because they themselves aren’t a “perfect” 36-24-36, they don’t get the benefits of an airbrush around their cellulite, and they refuse to shave their pubic hair into a well-shaped “V.”
Now, I don’t want you to do anything that makes you feel threatened, so you must decide whether these magazines have a place in your bedroom. But this chapter is here to let you women know how your men feel, and I would be remiss to omit this common complaint just to preserve your feelings.
In reality, Playboy is just the opposite of a threat. Very few men ever get to even meet a centerfold, much less go to bed with one. The man who gets turned on reading — or, if you prefer, ogling — Playboy isn’t going to rush out of the house looking for Miss October. Instead, he’s going to come over to your side of the bed and look for you. He knows you don’t look like a centerfold, but he loves you for all your qualities, one of which may even be that you don’t look like Miss October, whom he may actually be too scared to go to bed with, fearing he couldn’t live up to the moment.
You certainly don’t want little children peeking at erotic images, but if your man is discreet about his habit, I know that he would really appreciate your tolerance — if not understanding — of his choice of literature.
6. The Day I Stop Looking Is the Day I’m Dead
In my tips for men, I tell you that women hate it when they’re out with a guy and he gapes at other women. Although men should definitely exercise caution when they’re with a partner, that’s not the same thing as saying that they shouldn’t ever look.
Men will always look at other women; you can’t stop them, so don’t make a big fuss when your man looks, unless he’s being obnoxious about it. Remember, if your man stops looking at other women, it probably means he’s also stopped looking at you. It may mean that he has lost all interest in sex, and that’s certainly not a bonus.
As far as two partners in a close relationship are concerned, looks aren’t the only thing that keeps them together, so looking around is really not such a big deal. The key to keeping both partners happy is not to force anyone to wear blinders but, instead, to use discretion.
7. If You Really Loved Me, You’d . . .
I admit I felt a little prudish about putting what this tip is about right in the title, though most of you ladies can guess what I’m talking about. And certainly many of you keep your man happy by performing that certain act. Right, the topic here is fellatio — oral sex on a man.
8. Women Knew about Sex
Now, although I’m speaking on behalf of men here, I must state categorically that I absolutely do not want any woman to do anything that really repulses her. But before you ignore this section, ask yourself: Is oral sex really that repulsive? I’m not saying that you have to necessarily swallow his semen,but is just kissing and licking his penis that big of a deal?
If you’re concerned about cleanliness, then go get a washcloth and clean his penis. He won’t object, unless you use cold water.
I really do not believe that men who crave this sex act see it as degrading to women. Rather, they want it because they enjoy the sensations. And maybe you do, too, when he does it to you. Even if fellatio never becomes a regular part of your sexual repertoire, you can at least make his birthday special.
9. The Way to a Man’s Heart Is Not through His Stomach
I don’t know where that saying that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach started, but unless you only asked men living in a retirement community, I don’t think you’ll find the majority in agreement. And I’m not sure that even the seniors would give their vote.
Men like to eat, but if they have to do something for themselves, they’d prefer to feed themselves. Some women, after a few years or a few kids, seem to withdraw from sex. A wife may think that as long as she feeds her husband and maybe irons his shirts, that’s all he really needs from her.
That idea may work for a while, but then he’ll get a new secretary, or go to a convention in
As a man ages, his sexual urges may come further apart, but they’re still there. If, for some reason, you seem to have lost your sexual desire, don’t just assume it happens because you’re a woman. That’s nonsense. Loss of sexual appetite is almost always caused by something specific, so find a specialist — a sex therapist or marital therapist — who can help you overcome this problem.
10. To a Man, Sex Is Different than Love
I don’t want to make any excuses for men who fool around, especially in these days when he can catch a deadly disease and then infect his innocent wife. But in general, men and women are different when it comes to sex. Most women need romance to become aroused, which means that their emotions are almost always involved, but most men can have sex without the act triggering an emotional response in them.
This is the reason that prostitutes have always been doing business with men on a quickie basis, while the few gigolos (male prostitutes for women) that exist almost always perform for a long term.
You need to understand this fact because if you ever catch your man having sex with another woman, you shouldn’t throw away a long-term relationship without doing a careful evaluation. If it really looks like he was only in it for the sex, and if you both love each other, you may be able to save your relationship. I’m certainly not advocating sticking around with a philanderer, the guy who does it over and over again. But in some instances you’d be better off forgiving and forgetting (although you can never totally forget).
11. The Older a Man Gets, the More Help He Needs
Not every man knows that, at some point in his life, he loses the ability to have a psychogenic erection — an erection that comes by itself, without any physical manipulation — but it’s a fact. This problem doesn’t signal the end of your love life; instead, it means that your partner now needs foreplay as much as you do.
Some of you women may decide that this is the moment to pay him back for all the times that he didn’t give you enough foreplay, but I’m telling you not to play those games. When this change first starts to happen to a man, he gets pretty upset about it. The first few times he runs across a situation where his penis used to take off for the races by itself and now just lies there can be downright scary. So have mercy on him and don’t add
