When two people first fall in love, usually nothing can get in the way of their relationship. They only have eyes (and hands) for each other, and the bonds between them, including a sexual bond, are extremely tight. But as time passes, it’s only natural for that initial burst of devotion and sexual energy to dim a bit. And in the growing shadows, wedges can develop that drive the couple even further apart.What’s particularly dangerous about these wedges is that they’re mostly invisible. If you’re not on the lookout for them, they can begin weakening your relationship — and your sex life in particular — without either of you having any idea that serious damage is occurring. And if the two of you aren’t having good sex (or bad sex), then this too will definitely have a detrimental effect on your relationship.
In this chapter, I outline some of the more common wedges so you can see through their invisibility shields right away. After you know what to look for, you can protect your sex life against them.
1. Making Time for Alone Time
A laundry list (including the laundry) of forces hacks away at your days, cutting into the time you could be having sex. Just look at the demands that adults are expected to juggle:
Your job: This takes up 40 to 50 (or more) hours a week, not to mention commuting time and any work you bring home.
Your kids: Not only must you attend to their basic needs, but you may also be ferrying them around to countless activities and helping with science projects that could pass muster at NASA.
Your partner: Many of your demands may be the same, but you have to include spending time with each other on your to-do list.
Your parents: Because people are living longer these days, you may find yourself helping care for your aging parents.
Household chores: You have to do the laundry, wash the dishes, and clean the bathroom at least a couple of times a year.
Electronic communication: Checking your e-mail, surfing the Internet, taking calls on your cell phone, watching the latest hit TV show, and listening to an endless library of music may not be necessities in your daily life, but many people devote a great deal of time to these activities.
Whew! No wonder people feel that they don’t have time for sex!
2. Connecting through meaningful conversations
For a relationship to remain healthy, the two of you need time to communicate your thoughts and feelings, one on one. You may not need more than ten minutes a day, but you need at least that to keep the relationship from turning from that of two lovers to that of barely two friends. Here’s how to approach these daily conversations.
Look at the big picture. Realize that every minute you spend putting in extra hours at work or in front of an electronic gizmo is a minute you’re not spending with your partner.
Schedule daily time together. I know a couple who every night watch the sunset while having a glass of champagne. I suggest you do something similar. You can make your tête-à-tête for the same time every day, like right before you go to bed, or you can vary the time from day to day. But you must stay committed to these daily private conversations to maintain a closeness that enhances your sexual experiences.
Ignore distractions. Record the TV shows you may miss during these conversations, let phone calls go to voice mail, and tell the kids, the dog, or the neighbors that for the next ten minutes you can’t be bothered unless there’s an emergency. Privacy is important because you want to be able to share your emotions.
Talk about your thoughts and feelings. These conversations should not be about PTA meetings and whose checkbook has enough to pay the rent. For those ten minutes you set aside, I want you to talk about your feelings for each other, a hobby that you share, or an article that you read. These brief moments are to help your souls connect, not your PDAs.
Don’t ignore your sex life. Because sex is the glue that holds your relationship together, you have to make sure that you talk about how your sex life is going too. And even if you have complaints, try to keep the overall feeling positive, suggesting ways to make sex better rather than simply criticizing.
Can these moments of togetherness be on the phone? I don’t recommend it for daily use unless you live in different time zones or work different shifts, but there may be times when that’s your only means. In that case, make sure that you have privacy, which with cell phones can be easy to accomplish, such as on a lunch break when you can step away from nosy co-workers.
Bill Gates, the richest man in the world, takes off once in a while to give himself time to think. Running your life may not be as lucrative as running Microsoft, but you also need time to think. If you’re constantly running at top speed, and never take the time to assess your life, especially your relationship with your partner, by the time you discover you’ve been running in the wrong direction, it may be too late to do anything about it.
So I urge you to spend an hour, every six months or so, thinking about your relationship, in every context: romantic, intellectual and sexual. Look for weak spots. Talk to your partner about them and try to repair any damage that has already been done. And if you think that you can’t handle the damage, what- ever it is, protect your relationship by getting professional guidance.
3. Scheduling sex dates
In addition to moments of private conversation, you also need to find the time to express your love sexually.
The same forces that make it hard for you to find time to bond verbally and emotionally can also wreck havoc with your sex life. I know that spontaneity is important to some people when it comes to sex, but if the only thing that happens spontaneously is that the time for sex is sucked away, then it’s time to pull out your calendars and make dates to have sex.
The advantage to scheduling your sexual encounters is the added anticipation it creates. If you know ahead of time that at 11 that night, or maybe 5 the next morning, you’re going to have sex, you can think about that upcoming lovemaking and allow yourself to get aroused. Because women take longer than men to become aroused, this type of sexual planning can actually be quite beneficial to their overall enjoyment of sex.
Let me distinguish here between making love and having a “quickie.” Yes, you will have times when one or both of you are in need of sexual satisfaction but can’t fit in more than ten minutes for sex. There’s nothing wrong with taking care of those needs. But when I say that you need to put aside time for sex, I’m speaking of making love, caressing, hugging, and kissing, as well as having genital contact, so your soul gets satisfied as well as your libido.
4. Fighting boredom in and out of the bedroom
The biggest danger that most couples face is boredom. I include sexual boredom, but more basically I’m speaking of relationship boredom. The two of you could install enough sexual equipment in your bedroom to produce a small circus and still be vulnerable to the dangers of boredom if the rest of your time together is yawn-inducing. Your most important sex organ is your brain and keeping it engaged will take some effort from both of you. The cure is to share intellectual pursuits. Force yourself to go to museums, read books on stimulating subjects, explore the world, and talk about matters that are not just personal. And in case you think I’m turning you into intellectuals, that’s not the case. If you want to volunteer together at a nursing home and later discuss what went on, that’s fine too. Or you could both get involved in a political campaign or join a local theater group. I’m not suggesting you choose areas that require a graduate degree, only that they force your brains to engage a little more fully than when discussing why the laundry wasn’t done.
Here’s one suggested topic of conversation: travel plans. Fantasizing together about places you’d like to visit whets your appetite in many ways. But even if you don’t actually take a trip, I still want you to plan for one. (If the thought of not being able to afford the time or money to go is too frustrating, you can choose a place in the past, such as ancient Rome.) Study the culture of this place; learn about its language, geography, and people; find out about its politics; in short, become experts to some degree. If you get to go, then you’ll have a fabulous trip because you’ll be so well prepared. But even if you don’t, the shared intellectual pursuit of this knowledge will upgrade your relationship to first class.
Naturally you also don’t want to be boring in bed. Look at Chapter 12 for ideas about what you can do differently. But I assure you that if your partner is bored with you outside the bedroom, you’re going to be challenged to add much variety to your sexual encounters. But if you’re stimulating each other’s brains, your sex life will get a real boost from that as well.
5. Making the Most of a Long-Distance Relationship
No one wants to be in a long-distance relationship, but sometimes there’s no choice. Luckily, these days it’s not quite as onerous as when it took a letter three months to cross the ocean. And some of the following suggestions even allow you to keep the fires of your sex life at least glowing, if not blazing.
Focus on a fixed point when you’ll be together. This is the most important thing you can do. “Counting the days” isn’t just a saying, but a good way to keep yourselves from drifting apart.
Use every method of communication available. Even if you e-mail each other daily, also sit down and write a letter in your own hand. That’s one piece of communication that your lover may carry around with him orher, knowing that you actually touched the piece of paper.
Masturbate while you’re communicating. If opportunities exist for you to masturbate while you’re on the phone or chatting on a computer (this second option is called cybersex), go ahead.
Keep your privacy (and dignity) intact. Whatever you do, be careful that you don’t offer up your private moments to the world. Many companies check employees’ e-mail, as do the armed services, and if you send each other sexy pictures, you want to be sure those are only for each other.
Create a secret language. If you can’t always have privacy when speaking or e-mailing, make up your own set of code words so you can let your partner know how much you desire him or her without having to say or write anything that could get you into trouble.
6. Dealing with Addictive Behavior: Hooked on Porn
One common roadblock to a healthy sexual relationship these days is when one partner is consumed by the need to peruse pornography. X-rated pictures and videos are a quick mouse click away, which makes for easy access right in your own home. According to the medical definition, being hooked on erotica may not qualify as an addiction, but it can easily ruin a relationship if one half of a couple devotes all of his or her sexual energy to masturbating while in front of the computer rather than having sex with his or her partner.
Although the lure of pornography may always have been a problem, the latest methods of distribution have undoubtedly raised the danger level.
More men and women watch erotic movies in the comfort of their own living room or bedroom, an activity once limited to very few venues. But the vast pipeline offering porn that comes with every broadband connection to the Internet has pushed the problem of porn addiction to new heights.
7. Surfing for a thrill
Viewing pornographic images on the Internet is mostly a male preoccupation, and I believe men engage in this behavior for two reasons. The first is the purely sexual one. Men are definitely aroused by seeing erotic images. But I also think that this activity strongly appeals to men’s hunting instincts. Surfing for images is not just about looking for ways to become aroused, but it’s also a search for forbidden fruit. For example, a man may think that he’ll stumble on the nude picture of an old girlfriend, or at least someone who reminds him of that girlfriend. And if a man has a predilection for something on the kinky side that he’s not going to find at home, he can satisfy those desires, at least virtually.
Whatever he is searching for, and he may not know himself if it’s a subconscious desire, the combination of the hunt and sexy images can be just too strong for many men to limit themselves to occasional use. Instead, they get so hooked that any free moment (which usually means when their wife isn’t looking) is devoted to this activity. And because the logical conclusion is masturbation to orgasm, which drains all the man’s sexual
Women, too, can fall into a similar trap, though it’s more likely to be chatting with someone in a sexual way rather than looking at images. That chatting can be just as dangerous to a relationship, or even more so if it evolves from merely cybersex (masturbating while chatting) to an actual physical affair.
8. Deciding if porn is a problem
How can you tell if a porn addition is affecting your relationship? Here are some clues:
- Your sex life has taken a nose dive and your partner offers only lame excuses.
- You wake up at night and no one’s sleeping next to you
- You check your computer’s History and find a long list of X-rated sites.
- When your partner does want sex, his appetites are far more kinky than they ever were.
- Your partner calls you by another name, but she’s never out of the house, so you know she doesn’t have a real lover.
9. Stopping destructive habits
The problem with addictive behavior is that although the addicted person doesn’t want to put his or her relationship at risk and will avow that they love their partner, they end up not being able to help themselves. They know it’s wrong but as soon as they have an opportunity to view these images or chat with their cyberlover again, they grab it.
You can easily put an end to the viewing of Internet porn: Install software on your computer that will filter out all of this type of material. Be warned: The addicted partner is going to have a problem going cold turkey, and you may even need a counselor to get you through this period. If the addicted person refuses to allow such software to be loaded onto your computer, then you’ll know how serious the problem is. But without such software in place, you and your partner are unlikely to overcome this problem.
A different type of software can help people who must fight the urge to chat with a cyberlover. Software is available that allows a person to check every keystroke that has been hit on the computer. By installing such a program, the addicted chatter will know that he or she can’t hide conversations. That may give this person the needed backbone to adhere to a promise to stop. Again, if that doesn’t work, seek professional guidance.
10. Staying Close to Avoid the Empty-Nest Syndrome
A common misconception is that when a couple’s children leave home, Mom and Dad develop empty-nest syndrome. Yes, they may have an empty nest,but for some couples, their love life blossoms during this period of their lives. The victims of the syndrome are the couples whose relationship falls apart when they’re the only two left at home.
If your children haven’t left home yet, you may think that you don’t need to read this section, but actually the exact opposite is true. Most couples who are affected by empty-nest syndrome can’t be helped. Even if they manage to stay together, the relationship remains in tatters. But if a couple is aware ahead of time of the dangers of empty-nest syndrome, then they can do something about it while the kids are still home.
Empty-nest syndrome takes years to develop. It starts when a couple begins to drift apart but stays together because of the children. Couples like this may appear to have “the perfect marriage,” but it’s actually a façade, and the only level on which they connect involves their children. They certainly aren’t having sex. All of their conversations revolve around the children, as do many of their activities together. When that connection disappears because their children have set off on their own, they are left with an empty relationship. More often than not, anger takes the place of the emotions they spent on the children, and such couples divide their time between not talking and fighting.
When couples facing this issue come to my office, I know that I probably can’t do much for them. They may choose to stay together, but they’d be better off separated. Too much damage has been done to their relationship for it to be repaired. And as far as getting them to have sex, the likelihood is very, very small, unless the motivation is only for their own satisfaction. But as far as “making love,” forget about it.
Empty-nest syndrome is caused by the traps I’ve talked about in this article. If two people have spent little time interacting outside of activities involving their children, have become completely bored with each other, or have been torn apart by addictive behavior, then they are undoubtedly going to suffer from empty-nest syndrome. But if a couple can recognize these traps, they can take the necessary steps to repair their relationship so as to avoid becoming victims of this syndrome.
Is there any hope for a couple affected by empty-nest syndrome? I would say only if both partners really have the will to overcome the distance between themselves. Usually at this point they resent almost everything about their partner. Overcoming such a hurdle is difficult. My suggestion is for them to take an extended vacation and see if they can rediscover the love they first had for each other. If they can light a small spark, they may have a chance.
But if all they do is fight the whole time they’re away, then rather than waste time in a relationship that’s going nowhere, they may as well split up and begin a new phase of their lives.
