Relationships are funny things: One partner can be cruising along thinking everything’s just fine and dandy, and the other can be curling up inside like a poinsettia after New Year’s. One of us is sure we’re on the right track, while the other is wondering, “Why don’t we talk anymore?” And more often than not, it’s the female cohort who’s dying for more—more communication, more intimacy, more verbal acknowledgment that you’re committed to her happiness.The reason is simple: When it comes to communication, women are like tropical plants, and men are like cacti. Studies suggest that the average woman speaks 7,000 words a day. The average man mutters just 2,000, and half of those are spoken to clients, colleagues, or the electronic image of John Madden. And it’s that discrepancy between our verbal styles and needs that can turn a once-hot relationship into yesterday’s oatmeal.
Want proof? Researchers at the
A simple rule of thumb, then, is to talk more, share more, and be more open with your emotions. But telling a guy to share more is like telling him
to eat less meat: Simple in concept, but not so tasty in practice. The solution is to maximize the communication you do have—to know a few simple phrases that will warm her heart and a few other intimate places, as well. If things feel a little chilly, a little distant, or a little lacking in boudoir beatitude, try speaking up. Here’s what to say.
1. “I’m so glad we ended up together.”
Every long-term relationship is a celebration of two people beating the odds. But the longer the two of you are together, the more couples you’ll know who didn’t make it. Each time a friend or neighbor goes through a divorce, it can send one or both of you looking for cracks in your own marriage. And that can have a dampening effect on your wife’s sex drive. Consider a recent survey that asked 2,000 women for the key factor in deciding whether or not they will sleep with a partner: Forty-six percent responded “knowing where the relationship is headed.” To rekindle her desire, focus her attention on the commitment you’ve made to her. The house, the kids, the wedding album—they’re all still there, but she needs spoken evidence, too.
2. “I understand how important this is to you.”
Women gauge the health of a relationship by how well they think you understand them, says Mark Elliott, Ph.D., the director of the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health, in
3. “Let me tell you how my presentation went.”
When she asks how your day went, she doesn’t want to hear “fine, and yours?” She wants details, not a highlight reel. To maximize the effectiveness, frame things in terms of your emotional reactions: “I was nervous when they didn’t jump at the offer, but I felt excited when they realized I was right.” “She needs to hear you talk about your feelings as best you can. You’ll be amazed at what revealing your feelings can do for the level of intimacy between you,” says Les Parrott III, Ph.D., the author of Love Talk.
4. “Let’s talk about Jenny’s grades tomorrow. Tonight should just be about us.”
In bed, focus on each other and the moment as much as possible, whether or not it leads to sex. “Don’t bring critical conversations into the bed. These are some of the most important minutes in your relationship each day,” says Parrott.
5. “I’ve been fantasizing about making you feel good.”
Here’s a shocker: When it comes to sexual fantasies, women are more selfish than men. In a
6. “Put the 14th on your calendar; I’m taking you away.”
Tune in to your wife’s sexual calendar by timing her menstrual cycle, suggests Scott Haltzman, M.D., the author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Then time your romantic weekends accordingly. Ovulation raises testosterone levels, which makes some women extremely horny during their most fertile days. The science: A recent study of 68 sexually active women published in the Journal of Human Reproduction revealed elevated levels of testosterone and an average 24 percent increase in frequency of intercourse during the 6 days leading up to each woman’s ovulation. Calculate the start of this magic window by counting 2 weeks after she begins her period and subtracting 6 days.
7. “I’ll draw you a bath.”
“Many women need a transition period between dealing with the stress of work and family life and feeling sexual,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., the author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
“A few minutes of foreplay usually aren’t enough.” After a few years together, men tend to start shortening foreplay, but the average woman takes 27 minutes to reach orgasm. A warm bath is a good place to start.
8. “You deserve a long weekend with your girlfriends. I’ll watch the kids.”
A recent study conducted at
To reap the benefits of space, manufacture your own distance by buying her a plane ticket for a minivacation from you.
9. “I adore your freckles.”
In order to feel sexy, a woman first has to feel beautiful. “Women get intimacy from words,” says anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., of
10. “I’ve always thought it would be fun if you didn’t use your hands.”
During those times when the two of you are on solid ground and you want to move things to a higher plane, consider pushing the boundaries a bit. A recent survey of 2,000 women found that two out of three were interested in light bondage. The key is to keep the adventure positive. “Don’t imply that you want this because the sex has grown stale,” says Elliott. “When you phrase it as something fun you want to try, it’s about having a good time, not fixing something that’s broken.”
11. “Let’s show the kids our honeymoon photos.”
Reminding your wife of commonalities you share—whether it’s a birth date,
a passion for Japanese architecture, or your favorite vacation spot—will ignite her desire for you, suggests recent research published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. There’s even a scientific term for the phenomenon: “implicit egotism.” It means we humans are attracted to things and people that remind us of ourselves.
12. “I’ll meet you in the bedroom after I fold the laundry.”
In a study of 3,500 people completed in 2003, researchers at the
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13. “The weather’s terrible. Let me pick up the kids from day care.”
Women prefer mates who are protective and heroic rather than reckless and risk-taking, according to a study published recently in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior. In the study, which involved 52 women, researchers described fictional men who decided whether or not to climb a steep mountain, travel alone in treacherous terrain, or jump into a river to save a drowning child. The majority of the subjects said they admired the men who took heroic risks but were not very impressed by the thrill-seeking adventurers. “A woman wants a mate who is going to survive to continue being a provider and protector for her children and her,” explains study author William Farthing, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the
